i will
bring
smiles
to as many
faces
as i can,
and soon
mine will
return
and we will
smile
together.
2.28.12 (feeling)
I've come to wonder about feelings. We all feel things, but what if we feel differently? Like how one person can feel for another, and the other feels nothing in return, or how there are subtle differences in tastebuds. People interpret things in different ways, like people taste or feel differently. Does that mean that none of us will ever feel the same as eachother?
2.28.12 (∞)
if everything
else
in existence
can get
infinitely smaller
but never
completely
disappear,
are we
the same?
will a part of me
exist forever?
else
in existence
can get
infinitely smaller
but never
completely
disappear,
are we
the same?
will a part of me
exist forever?
2.28.12 (stress)
stress
is killing me.
i'm losing sleep,
waking up in a
panic,
feeling anxious
throughout the day.
drinking
made it disappear
for a while,
but then it
made things worse.
i need to stop running.
is killing me.
i'm losing sleep,
waking up in a
panic,
feeling anxious
throughout the day.
drinking
made it disappear
for a while,
but then it
made things worse.
i need to stop running.
2.28.12 (better times)
i keep telling myself
this is normal.
there have been
better times,
but there have been
worse ones too.
but then i think about it
and i'm not so sure.
just another day,
another month,
another year.
this is normal.
there have been
better times,
but there have been
worse ones too.
but then i think about it
and i'm not so sure.
just another day,
another month,
another year.
2.28.12 (consolation prize)
i've grown weary
of being a toy,
a play thing,
someone's consolation prize.
it happens
far too often.
i'm a distraction
for yet another
lovelorn girl.
and when they
come my way
i do the same
unto them.
we all
lose.
of being a toy,
a play thing,
someone's consolation prize.
it happens
far too often.
i'm a distraction
for yet another
lovelorn girl.
and when they
come my way
i do the same
unto them.
we all
lose.
2.28.12 (better)
i'm trying
to rid myself
of distaste
and of unsettling
feelings.
i'm trying
to get better,
to be a better
person.
i keep saying this,
but i can't tell
if it's working.
to rid myself
of distaste
and of unsettling
feelings.
i'm trying
to get better,
to be a better
person.
i keep saying this,
but i can't tell
if it's working.
2.28.12 (never)
i'm tired
of "maybe next year
will be better."
each year
has it's ups
and it's downs,
but it's never
good enough.
are we all
impossible
to please?
of "maybe next year
will be better."
each year
has it's ups
and it's downs,
but it's never
good enough.
are we all
impossible
to please?
2.28.12 (shame)
i don't know
why
i get so
ashamed
of how i feel,
but it makes
everything
so much
harder.
i can't even
ask for help,
or just an ear
maybe a shoulder.
i get too attached,
then i lose it.
and then
i feel more
ashamed.
i'll just keep
hanging my head,
chewing my nails,
faking a smile,
here and there,
and hope
that this too
will come to pass.
why
i get so
ashamed
of how i feel,
but it makes
everything
so much
harder.
i can't even
ask for help,
or just an ear
maybe a shoulder.
i get too attached,
then i lose it.
and then
i feel more
ashamed.
i'll just keep
hanging my head,
chewing my nails,
faking a smile,
here and there,
and hope
that this too
will come to pass.
2.27.12 (sky)
the sky
has a way
of making me
feel alright.
i long
to share this,
but it's alright
viewing it
alone.
has a way
of making me
feel alright.
i long
to share this,
but it's alright
viewing it
alone.
2.27.12 (these days/anxiety attack)
these days
i wake up
shaking.
it continues
through the day
until night,
when i lie in bed
shaking.
all i want
is to feel
normal,
some consistency,
or at least,
full of
something.
i wake up
shaking.
it continues
through the day
until night,
when i lie in bed
shaking.
all i want
is to feel
normal,
some consistency,
or at least,
full of
something.
2.27.12 (repent)
i've been
thinking.
on regrets,
on remorse,
and on revenge.
none will ever
feel good,
yet we are
drawn to each.
i just want to
repent;
to bring a
smile
to someone.
thinking.
on regrets,
on remorse,
and on revenge.
none will ever
feel good,
yet we are
drawn to each.
i just want to
repent;
to bring a
smile
to someone.
2.27.12 (at the bottom)
i have lived
at the bottom
of a well.
it has been
this way
for as long
as i can recall.
i've come close
to escaping,
i have seen
the light,
felt it's warmth
on my face,
but then
i sink
back to the bottom.
someday,
i will be free.
at the bottom
of a well.
it has been
this way
for as long
as i can recall.
i've come close
to escaping,
i have seen
the light,
felt it's warmth
on my face,
but then
i sink
back to the bottom.
someday,
i will be free.
2.25.12 (clumsy)
everyone is clumsy.
its kinda funny
in a sad way.
the really funny thing
is that
it isn't like this
all the time,
but everyone is
watching when
you're falling,
and no one
is listening
when you're
talking.
its kinda funny
in a sad way.
the really funny thing
is that
it isn't like this
all the time,
but everyone is
watching when
you're falling,
and no one
is listening
when you're
talking.
2.24.12 (seems)
from above
everything
seems tiny.
from below
everything
seems huge.
from here
everything
seems
insignificant.
everything
seems tiny.
from below
everything
seems huge.
from here
everything
seems
insignificant.
2.23.12 (pages)
the pages
keep filling
with complaints,
dreams, sorrows
and will continue to
until i can
rid myself
of melancholy.
but it is
easier
to sing a sad song,
than it is
to dance to a happy one.
keep filling
with complaints,
dreams, sorrows
and will continue to
until i can
rid myself
of melancholy.
but it is
easier
to sing a sad song,
than it is
to dance to a happy one.
2.23.12 (routine)
another morning;
tired, hungover.
this bus
should be a bed.
i'm trying
to keep my
shit together,
but the nights
go on,
and i can't
have what
i want.
so i'll keep
drinking;
waking up
a mess.
tired, hungover.
this bus
should be a bed.
i'm trying
to keep my
shit together,
but the nights
go on,
and i can't
have what
i want.
so i'll keep
drinking;
waking up
a mess.
2.23.12 (another life)
in another life
i would have
grown you a garden
full of flowers,
berries, herbs.
and in another life
i would have
done anything
to hear a laugh
to see a smile.
in another life
things wouldn't be
as messy
as now.
i would have
grown you a garden
full of flowers,
berries, herbs.
and in another life
i would have
done anything
to hear a laugh
to see a smile.
in another life
things wouldn't be
as messy
as now.
2.23.12 (drunken nights)
i think
i'll stop,
but without
you
and without
it
the nights
go on
so long.
it's driving
me mad.
i'll stop,
but without
you
and without
it
the nights
go on
so long.
it's driving
me mad.
2.23.12 (a means to)
always
i lose track
and wind up
stuck.
this time
i'm running
either to
or from
an end
of sorts.
i lose track
and wind up
stuck.
this time
i'm running
either to
or from
an end
of sorts.
2.23.12 (daydreams)
through
heavy sighs
and vacant eyes
you see
a longing,
for a time
a place,
a person-
not far from now
but just
out of reach.
heavy sighs
and vacant eyes
you see
a longing,
for a time
a place,
a person-
not far from now
but just
out of reach.
2.22.12 (light)
all i wanted
was a laugh
or a smile.
it gave me
a lightness
to see that,
but i don't
think that
will happen
again for a
long time.
was a laugh
or a smile.
it gave me
a lightness
to see that,
but i don't
think that
will happen
again for a
long time.
2.22.12 (stuck)
every day
i tell myself
"not tonight."
every night
i start to think
so i start to drink.
and every morning
i wake up
wondering
why the fuck
i drank so much.
this is getting old.
i tell myself
"not tonight."
every night
i start to think
so i start to drink.
and every morning
i wake up
wondering
why the fuck
i drank so much.
this is getting old.
2.21.12 (lowest)
nails all chewed
and huddled
in a corner
on the bus.
tears feel
appropriate,
but i don't think
i've got enough
for how i feel.
and huddled
in a corner
on the bus.
tears feel
appropriate,
but i don't think
i've got enough
for how i feel.
2.21.12 (roads)
so many people
ask for guidance
for someone else
to take the wheel,
but i don't want
anyone else
driving for me
maybe just a road
a little less bumpy
and a little prettier.
ask for guidance
for someone else
to take the wheel,
but i don't want
anyone else
driving for me
maybe just a road
a little less bumpy
and a little prettier.
2.21.12 (born into this)
i think
i was born
with the blues.
i can feel it
in my fingertips,
causing my hand
to shake
whenever i write them.
i was supposed
to be
a lucky baby.
maybe that
was god's first joke
on a boy
born with the blues.
i was born
with the blues.
i can feel it
in my fingertips,
causing my hand
to shake
whenever i write them.
i was supposed
to be
a lucky baby.
maybe that
was god's first joke
on a boy
born with the blues.
2.21.12 (real)
there are days
when everything
feels fake.
made of cardboard
or plastic.
nothing feels
real.
emotions,
thoughts,
just being.
like a cloud,
floating,
falling,
evaporating.
when everything
feels fake.
made of cardboard
or plastic.
nothing feels
real.
emotions,
thoughts,
just being.
like a cloud,
floating,
falling,
evaporating.
2.21.12 (shaking)
we really
fucked up
a friendship
there.
maybe two
or three.
i'd ask
if it was
worth it,
but i'm
afraid
of what
either of us
would say.
fucked up
a friendship
there.
maybe two
or three.
i'd ask
if it was
worth it,
but i'm
afraid
of what
either of us
would say.
2.21.12 (people)
you're really good
at making
me feel
insignificant.
not that
that's hard
but you do it
so well
i can't help
but suspect
that you've done this before.
at making
me feel
insignificant.
not that
that's hard
but you do it
so well
i can't help
but suspect
that you've done this before.
2.21.12 (forever)
there are
so many days
we can wish
to never end
and so many
times
we wish could
go on
forever.
it isn't absurd
to request so much
but it isn't possible
to expect things to be
as such.
so many days
we can wish
to never end
and so many
times
we wish could
go on
forever.
it isn't absurd
to request so much
but it isn't possible
to expect things to be
as such.
2.21.12 (more)
isn't it strange
that the easiest thing
to wish for is more
but not think it possible
to reach that more now.
I guess we're stuck
existing in a loop
but then we go so far
as to say that things
couldn't be much worse,
when we know
all too well
that they could be
lifetimes worse
and we should
be grateful
that we have
what we do.
that the easiest thing
to wish for is more
but not think it possible
to reach that more now.
I guess we're stuck
existing in a loop
but then we go so far
as to say that things
couldn't be much worse,
when we know
all too well
that they could be
lifetimes worse
and we should
be grateful
that we have
what we do.
2.20.12 (taste)
there are some
that should stay
out of school.
it's too much
for them
and they begin
to think they know
and understand
all.
you've spoken
to them,
i'm sure.
the ones
that don't
stop talking
until they're
out of breath
and blue in the face.
those are the ones
that need to be
puking
on monday mornings
in someone else's toilet.
waking up with
a black eye
not remembering
how it got there
or the night before.
sleeping on couches,
waking up not knowing
where they are,
despising food,
because all they have
is not even fit
for maggots.
they need to
taste despair
to understand,
that they ruin it
for those of us
who have.
that should stay
out of school.
it's too much
for them
and they begin
to think they know
and understand
all.
you've spoken
to them,
i'm sure.
the ones
that don't
stop talking
until they're
out of breath
and blue in the face.
those are the ones
that need to be
puking
on monday mornings
in someone else's toilet.
waking up with
a black eye
not remembering
how it got there
or the night before.
sleeping on couches,
waking up not knowing
where they are,
despising food,
because all they have
is not even fit
for maggots.
they need to
taste despair
to understand,
that they ruin it
for those of us
who have.
2.20.12 (a rant)
philosophy majors
are bullshit.
they set out
with good intentions
to rationalize
the nature
of that which
cannot be described.
they search to no end
then forget
that we are not
the masters of our fate;
that the rules of
the unknown
dictate our lives.
that in chaos
we exist,
bumping around
from place to place.
that from nothing
we came
and to nothing we die.
are bullshit.
they set out
with good intentions
to rationalize
the nature
of that which
cannot be described.
they search to no end
then forget
that we are not
the masters of our fate;
that the rules of
the unknown
dictate our lives.
that in chaos
we exist,
bumping around
from place to place.
that from nothing
we came
and to nothing we die.
2.19.12 (lost)
i don't know
what it means
and i can't help it
but whenever
i think
i get a little sad,
not out of
longing
or
resentment
but like i
lost something
that i once had.
what it means
and i can't help it
but whenever
i think
i get a little sad,
not out of
longing
or
resentment
but like i
lost something
that i once had.
2.19.12 (negative)
i want
everything
to disappear.
i want
a blankness
dark, yet clear.
i want to
think
and not feel despair.
i want to
forget
what it is to be scared.
i want
nothingness
here and now.
everything
to disappear.
i want
a blankness
dark, yet clear.
i want to
think
and not feel despair.
i want to
forget
what it is to be scared.
i want
nothingness
here and now.
2.18.12 (illusions)
wake up
roll over
look up
close your eyes
repeat.
as hard as we try
to erase yesterday,
today still comes,
and an hour more
will only make you
feel that much worse.
roll over
look up
close your eyes
repeat.
as hard as we try
to erase yesterday,
today still comes,
and an hour more
will only make you
feel that much worse.
2.18.12 (mornings + hangovers)
i can't tell
if you're being cruel
but it feels that way
and the sting itself
is enough
to make me
want to walk myself
into a never-ending
darkness,
only to wake up
the next morning
and do the exact
same thing
all over again.
if you're being cruel
but it feels that way
and the sting itself
is enough
to make me
want to walk myself
into a never-ending
darkness,
only to wake up
the next morning
and do the exact
same thing
all over again.
2.17.12 (esc)
your lips remained sealed,
although you know well.
my lips they do perse,
and ache to a swell.
but how do i say this?
and to whom do i tell?
alas, to know too much,
is to be stuck in hell.
although you know well.
my lips they do perse,
and ache to a swell.
but how do i say this?
and to whom do i tell?
alas, to know too much,
is to be stuck in hell.
2.17.12 (sorry)
I would go
so far
as to tell you
how I feel
but you've got
other plans
and you've got
other ideas.
None of this
makes sense;
we didn't
expect it to.
In fact,
we expected
nothing,
but i've been
left with
something still.
You walked away
alright
and i am
confused still
a broken man lost
and a lost lover
still.
so far
as to tell you
how I feel
but you've got
other plans
and you've got
other ideas.
None of this
makes sense;
we didn't
expect it to.
In fact,
we expected
nothing,
but i've been
left with
something still.
You walked away
alright
and i am
confused still
a broken man lost
and a lost lover
still.
2.17.12 (no ones listening)
one can
never quite
understand
the anguish
another
endures
when one
so frequently
speaks from
their heart
and
no one
is listening.
never quite
understand
the anguish
another
endures
when one
so frequently
speaks from
their heart
and
no one
is listening.
2.16.12 (like a bird fighting against the wind)
i've heard
many times
how love
is eternal
and that love
is all.
i've searched
far and wide,
but love only comes
when i've
stopped looking.
yet still i search
like a bird
fighting against the wind
(taking short strides
only to be blown back again).
many times
how love
is eternal
and that love
is all.
i've searched
far and wide,
but love only comes
when i've
stopped looking.
yet still i search
like a bird
fighting against the wind
(taking short strides
only to be blown back again).
2.16.12 (∞)
life
and
love
are
the biggest
annoyances.
you've either got
too much
or
not enough.
but then again,
what amount
is enough?
and
love
are
the biggest
annoyances.
you've either got
too much
or
not enough.
but then again,
what amount
is enough?
2.16.12 (observations in space)
How strange it is to be a human! We have enough brains to comprehend the vastness of things such as the infinite, but we cannot comprehend the limited time we are allotted to experience it. We deny that which we cannot escape: the natural cycle we are all bound to that is also infinite. We go so far as to try and defeat it, prolonging our lives and delaying our deaths; saying forever, but knowing we won't last that long. It's like counting: there is always a higher (or lower) number. Such is life.
2.16.12 (time)
here
and
there
always seem
much farther
than they
really are.
like now
and then
or later.
like never
and forever.
we can blink
and an
eternity
would pass.
in this way
time passes slowly
as it flies by.
and
there
always seem
much farther
than they
really are.
like now
and then
or later.
like never
and forever.
we can blink
and an
eternity
would pass.
in this way
time passes slowly
as it flies by.
2.15.12 (7.27.08)
A lifetime of apologies
wouldn't make up
for what we stole;
one life lost
is worth an eternity owed.
wouldn't make up
for what we stole;
one life lost
is worth an eternity owed.
2.15.12 (thoughts)
There are so many things worth laughing at. We have these bad habits of making something more of what isn't; that's kind of funny, isn't it? We're always expecting more than what we've got, and anything less just isn't enough. Expectations and such. Things get misconstrued in the in-between. It's always my-bad or your-bad, but never our-ok. If we could only laugh forever! But then we would only be happy for a moment, then lose it immediately thereafter. What else is left after that?
2.15.12 (of blood)
from dust we emerge
and to dust we return,
but some come from gold
and return there when they're old.
we work through our lives
in hopes that we will die
with a smile on our face
when we leave this place.
but what brings us closer
to finally being whole
is when we learn
what we all must know:
we are all the same blood.
and to dust we return,
but some come from gold
and return there when they're old.
we work through our lives
in hopes that we will die
with a smile on our face
when we leave this place.
but what brings us closer
to finally being whole
is when we learn
what we all must know:
we are all the same blood.
2.15.12 (crime and)
how funny it is
the object
that catches your eye
that you so desire
be placed just barely
out of reach
eternally.
that should
happen
to some extent
but for an eternity!?
woe is me!
that is so common,
that is our
punishment,
for being capable
of thinking.
the object
that catches your eye
that you so desire
be placed just barely
out of reach
eternally.
that should
happen
to some extent
but for an eternity!?
woe is me!
that is so common,
that is our
punishment,
for being capable
of thinking.
2.14.12 (rebirth)
i get
weary
thinking.
of feelings
and reasons.
we do what
we will,
because of
how we
feel.
we feel
the way we do
because of
WHAT
we do.
are we
doomed
to be stuck
in this loop?
is this
samsara?
weary
thinking.
of feelings
and reasons.
we do what
we will,
because of
how we
feel.
we feel
the way we do
because of
WHAT
we do.
are we
doomed
to be stuck
in this loop?
is this
samsara?
2.14.12 (pure)
it's strange
the way
one
can capture
the eye.
i see
no one
else now.
i cannot
say
what this
means,
but i can say
that i am
glad,
because i
no longer
crave
the flesh
of any
other.
i am
pure
once more.
the way
one
can capture
the eye.
i see
no one
else now.
i cannot
say
what this
means,
but i can say
that i am
glad,
because i
no longer
crave
the flesh
of any
other.
i am
pure
once more.
2.11.12 (incessant)
some days
i don't think
of you.
it was her,
but she
vanished,
in your
shadow.
some days
i think
of nothing.
some days
i am
overwhelmed
by just waking up.
some days
i am sad
and it pains me
greatest
to recall
those many lovers
of mine
who are now
just people
i once knew.
some days
end different
from what i had
in mind,
and sometimes
that's good,
but sometimes it's
bad,
and i start over...
some days...
i don't think
of you.
it was her,
but she
vanished,
in your
shadow.
some days
i think
of nothing.
some days
i am
overwhelmed
by just waking up.
some days
i am sad
and it pains me
greatest
to recall
those many lovers
of mine
who are now
just people
i once knew.
some days
end different
from what i had
in mind,
and sometimes
that's good,
but sometimes it's
bad,
and i start over...
some days...
2.11.12 (the end)
there are always
these things
these times
to bring you down...
the temporary distractions
things that let us
breathe...
a taste, a breath
of fresh air
these littles things
we need.
a moment in time
to ease the pain
of the day to day
we pray delayed.
yet we push on
encouraged by
thoughts
of a better
tomorrow
a life without
loss.
but tomorrow
never comes,
just another tuesday.
another number
on the check
that you are paid.
we do what we can
to forget what we can not
that we are all destined to die
and we are all destined to rot.
these things
these times
to bring you down...
the temporary distractions
things that let us
breathe...
a taste, a breath
of fresh air
these littles things
we need.
a moment in time
to ease the pain
of the day to day
we pray delayed.
yet we push on
encouraged by
thoughts
of a better
tomorrow
a life without
loss.
but tomorrow
never comes,
just another tuesday.
another number
on the check
that you are paid.
we do what we can
to forget what we can not
that we are all destined to die
and we are all destined to rot.
2.11.12 (why)
i drink because
and you ask why?
i ask do you blame me?
and yet again
you ask why?
what else could i do?
watching the object
of my affection
wrapped around another.
it had been this way
for quite a while
but it didn't hurt
quite as bad
until my name
left those lips.
and you ask why?
i ask do you blame me?
and yet again
you ask why?
what else could i do?
watching the object
of my affection
wrapped around another.
it had been this way
for quite a while
but it didn't hurt
quite as bad
until my name
left those lips.
2.4.12 (cruel)
i do not like it,
but i can not say
that it is the worst fate
to have it be destined
that the only songs
that grace the strings
of my timid heart
are sad ones.
but i can not say
that it is the worst fate
to have it be destined
that the only songs
that grace the strings
of my timid heart
are sad ones.
2.2.12 (some days)
Some
days
filled with
somedays.
I get
tired
feeling
this way,
but it's
all I've got,
and it's all
I know.
days
filled with
somedays.
I get
tired
feeling
this way,
but it's
all I've got,
and it's all
I know.
2.2.12 (this is an adventure)
When we were young, we had the right idea. Adventurers. That's what we were. That's what we should still be. It doesn't feel right to not be. We lose a part of ourselves the second we forget, and we spend the rest of our days searching for a replacement. We get jobs we don't like, we buy things we don't need, we get credit cards and max them out. But what for? All it takes is another adventure, and it's returned to us, and once you get it back, you'll never lose it again.
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