09.13.19 (adulation)

To be in love
Is to give in to madness.
To declare
A form of
Adulation
As a way of being.
It is both
A destruction of the self
And a
Absorption of another.
It is a gift
But also a curse.
It is everything
And
Nothing.
To be in love
Is to be insane.
I doubt I’ll ever love
In that way again

09.13.19 (I felt my toothbrush crack while brushing my teeth)

I nearly broke my toothbrush in half
Pressing too hard against
My mind was wandering
Writing a song in my head

A time burned into my brain
One that feels close far behind
When you were far too uncertain
And I was way out of my mind

Eyes focused forward
I forged a silent path
When you went silent
I silently planned

A stopover for us to build
A life that we could lend
Our hearts already broken
But still could maybe mend

Before the end I knew it
You didn’t love me for at least a year
Felt it in my everything then
And I still feel it now here

Things began to fall apart
You tuned out, so I zeroed in
I committed to a future
I could only see you in

But that pushed you further
Isolated disparate
Words exchanged led to silence and
You let go of everything 

If I’m being honest
When you left I felt nothingness
The wound that you left
Took a long time to fully manifest

It’s a feeling that’s stuck with me
Nothing is enjoyable
Everything feels cheap
When I don’t have you, there is nothing

I get angry when I think this
It feels obsessive to revisit this so
But I watched everything we built
Collapse and slowly crumble

Seems a waste to abandon
But you’ve chosen your path
And our friendship is something 
I thought that would outlast

I feel a bit of everything
Saying the things that I have said
I regret saying anything
I kind of wish it would just end 


09.02.2019 (passing)

Sometimes I wonder
If what we felt together
Was ever anything more
Than passing clouds

09.01.2019 (feedback)

I’m still stuck 
In this sort of feedback loop
Replaying promises
While you enjoy another holiday
Forgetting them further
It all seems a joke
To have felt at all
Like a lifetime spent
Killing time. 
I think I’d rather not learned 
To love at all.

09.02.2019 (friend)

Death marriage suicide children
How will I lose my next friend