10.19.19 (saunter)
Looking for catharsis
But finding only pain
Thought things would be different
Still feel the same
Regret stings the air
With the burden of shame
I saunter on
Carry the blame
Love still burns me
Sets me aflame
I am still in love
Only hear your name
10.10.19 (long forgotten)
Close my eyes
You’re all I see
Because I made you
A part of me
Try to turn
And look away
Stuck in my mind
You are here to stay
Once i tried
I can’t forget
Echo inside
Words once said
I don’t want to be in love anymore
I don’t want to feel this pain anymore
I don’t want to be in love anymore
I don’t want to feel this pain anymore
09.18.19 (sour)
These rotten apples
Of love
That I
Have been left to mull over
Sour all thoughts
And inclinations.
No decision is free from
The remnants of it.
I carry around it’s stench
Day in and out,
And at night
It manifests in
A paralyzing
Insomnia.
My eye has been twitching for a week.
This is not the way
It was supposed to be.
09.27.19 (nap)
Just a short nap time dream
Where I stare
Into your green eyes
And cup my hand
Against your cheek
And feel you lean into it
Is enough to make tears
Spout forth from my eyes
And although that was yesterday
I still feel empty today.
09.13.19 (adulation)
To be in love
Is to give in to madness.
To declare
A form of
Adulation
As a way of being.
It is both
A destruction of the self
And a
Absorption of another.
It is a gift
But also a curse.
It is everything
And
Nothing.
To be in love
Is to be insane.
I doubt I’ll ever love
In that way again
09.13.19 (I felt my toothbrush crack while brushing my teeth)
I nearly broke my toothbrush in half
Pressing too hard against
My mind was wandering
Writing a song in my head
A time burned into my brain
One that feels close far behind
When you were far too uncertain
And I was way out of my mind
Eyes focused forward
I forged a silent path
When you went silent
I silently planned
A stopover for us to build
A life that we could lend
Our hearts already broken
But still could maybe mend
Before the end I knew it
You didn’t love me for at least a year
Felt it in my everything then
And I still feel it now here
Things began to fall apart
You tuned out, so I zeroed in
I committed to a future
I could only see you in
But that pushed you further
Isolated disparate
Words exchanged led to silence and
You let go of everything
If I’m being honest
When you left I felt nothingness
The wound that you left
Took a long time to fully manifest
It’s a feeling that’s stuck with me
Nothing is enjoyable
Everything feels cheap
When I don’t have you, there is nothing
I get angry when I think this
It feels obsessive to revisit this so
But I watched everything we built
Collapse and slowly crumble
Seems a waste to abandon
But you’ve chosen your path
And our friendship is something
I thought that would outlast
I feel a bit of everything
Saying the things that I have said
I regret saying anything
I kind of wish it would just end
09.02.2019 (passing)
Sometimes I wonder
If what we felt together
Was ever anything more
Than passing clouds
09.01.2019 (feedback)
I’m still stuck
In this sort of feedback loop
Replaying promises
While you enjoy another holiday
Forgetting them further
It all seems a joke
To have felt at all
Like a lifetime spent
Killing time.
I think I’d rather not learned
To love at all.
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