10.24.19 (today is a good day)

I wish I could say

That somehow I’ve grown from the pain

But it lingers on

And in many ways I feel the same.

Nightmares sting the day

Memories turned astray

Hard to recall what’s real

And what’s fake

My eye has been twitching

For nearly two months

I don’t think I’ve slept more than five hours

Without the help of drugs or alcohol

Tossing and turning

In a loveless bed

Can’t trust the manic thoughts

Swirling about my head

Some days I feel stuck to a dream

Others I feel like absolutely nothing

Some days I revel in friendship

Others I wish to be dead to the world

Some days I feel a bit lighter

Others feel as if I’m sinking into nothing

Some days I don’t think of you as often

But most days you’re everywhere

10.10.19 (close)

10.19.19 (saunter)

Looking for catharsis

But finding only pain

Thought things would be different

Still feel the same

Regret stings the air

With the burden of shame

I saunter on

Carry the blame

Love still burns me

Sets me aflame

I am still in love

Only hear your name

10.10.19 (long forgotten)

Close my eyes

You’re all I see

Because I made you 

A part of me

Try to turn

And look away

Stuck in my mind

You are here to stay

Once i tried

I can’t forget

Echo inside

Words once said

I don’t want to be in love anymore

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore

I don’t want to be in love anymore

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore

09.18.19 (sour)

These rotten apples

Of love

That I

Have been left to mull over

Sour all thoughts

And inclinations.

No decision is free from

The remnants of it.

I carry around it’s stench

Day in and out,

And at night

It manifests in

A paralyzing

Insomnia.

My eye has been twitching for a week.

This is not the way

It was supposed to be. 

09.27.19 (nap)

Just a short nap time dream

Where I stare

Into your green eyes

And cup my hand

Against your cheek

And feel you lean into it

Is enough to make tears

Spout forth from my eyes

And although that was yesterday

I still feel empty today.

09.13.19 (adulation)

To be in love

Is to give in to madness.

To declare

A form of

Adulation

As a way of being.

It is both

A destruction of the self

And a

Absorption of another.

It is a gift

But also a curse.

It is everything

And

Nothing.

To be in love

Is to be insane.

I doubt I’ll ever love

In that way again

09.13.19 (I felt my toothbrush crack while brushing my teeth)

I nearly broke my toothbrush in half

Pressing too hard against

My mind was wandering

Writing a song in my head

A time burned into my brain

One that feels close far behind

When you were far too uncertain

And I was way out of my mind

Eyes focused forward

I forged a silent path

When you went silent

I silently planned

A stopover for us to build

A life that we could lend

Our hearts already broken

But still could maybe mend

Before the end I knew it

You didn’t love me for at least a year

Felt it in my everything then

And I still feel it now here

Things began to fall apart

You tuned out, so I zeroed in

I committed to a future

I could only see you in

But that pushed you further

Isolated disparate

Words exchanged led to silence and

You let go of everything 

If I’m being honest

When you left I felt nothingness

The wound that you left

Took a long time to fully manifest

It’s a feeling that’s stuck with me

Nothing is enjoyable

Everything feels cheap

When I don’t have you, there is nothing

I get angry when I think this

It feels obsessive to revisit this so

But I watched everything we built

Collapse and slowly crumble

Seems a waste to abandon

But you’ve chosen your path

And our friendship is something 

I thought that would outlast

I feel a bit of everything

Saying the things that I have said

I regret saying anything

I kind of wish it would just end 

09.02.2019 (passing)

Sometimes I wonder

If what we felt together

Was ever anything more

Than passing clouds

09.01.2019 (feedback)

I’m still stuck 

In this sort of feedback loop

Replaying promises

While you enjoy another holiday

Forgetting them further

It all seems a joke

To have felt at all

Like a lifetime spent

Killing time. 

I think I’d rather not learned 

To love at all.