10.29.18 (stream of nothingness)

I’d say the last six months have been tumultuous but that word seems light for accurate description 

It’s hard to say how it feels when you’ve spent the last five and a half years with someone nearly everyday and you can’t get them to return your phone calls. 

I guess I don’t have room to talk because I haven’t called that much but when the result of any attempt at communication is often silence can you blame me? I can’t blame you, because I have done that too, but we’re both complicit.

I suppose I regret a lot of how I internalized this in the days leading to your departure, and I shouldn’t have been so neglectful on those trips, but you would hardly look at me, let alone hug me or kiss me, and I felt abandoned and hurt and when you didn’t even want to spend our last night together talking, it pushed the knife in deeper. 

I think a lot about how this came on slowly and how a lot of it was just us being reactionary toward each other, but that thought seems moot now that you’re gone. 

I wish you’d pick up the phone and think of calling me once in a while, not because I’m being selfish or something like that, but it’s hard to not worry about a best friend.

Speaking of best friend, it’s a little fucked up that I can hardly get a text back from you, I can’t help feeling angry that our friendship has disintegrated to this. 

I know you’re busy, and maybe that statements a little selfish, but I worry, and want you happy and healthy. 

I said it to a bunch of my friends but it felt like I lost a limb when you left, and the reverberations of the phantom pain left in your absence echo in my heart to my very core. 

I couldn’t speak this candidly in person, cause you’d cry and I’d feel nearly as bad as I do now for making you cry. 

I don’t think that I’ll get over any of this, but it is pain, and it will be a part of me for a long time.