11.06.19 (rotten)

I wish sobriety

Had a bigger effect

On the ways I feel.

Sure, the feelings become

Quite a bit less

Intense,

And I don’t feel quite as

Rotten.

Still, the feelings linger

And it almost feels worse

To know they’re always

There in my head.

At least when i drink

There are moments

Of respite,

Regardless of how long.

I am still in love

With a memory.

I am still failing

To move on.

I am still struggling

To get out of bed each day.

11.01.19 (thinning)

Thinning out,

In time

I realized

That i have grown

Calloused,

And the words

That leave my lips

Are echoes of a person

I once was.

Like a specter,

I move about;

A hollow vision

Of a love that once was.

10.24.19 (today is a good day)

I wish I could say

That somehow I’ve grown from the pain

But it lingers on

And in many ways I feel the same.

Nightmares sting the day

Memories turned astray

Hard to recall what’s real

And what’s fake

My eye has been twitching

For nearly two months

I don’t think I’ve slept more than five hours

Without the help of drugs or alcohol

Tossing and turning

In a loveless bed

Can’t trust the manic thoughts

Swirling about my head

Some days I feel stuck to a dream

Others I feel like absolutely nothing

Some days I revel in friendship

Others I wish to be dead to the world

Some days I feel a bit lighter

Others feel as if I’m sinking into nothing

Some days I don’t think of you as often

But most days you’re everywhere

10.10.19 (close)

10.19.19 (saunter)

Looking for catharsis

But finding only pain

Thought things would be different

Still feel the same

Regret stings the air

With the burden of shame

I saunter on

Carry the blame

Love still burns me

Sets me aflame

I am still in love

Only hear your name

10.10.19 (long forgotten)

Close my eyes

You’re all I see

Because I made you 

A part of me

Try to turn

And look away

Stuck in my mind

You are here to stay

Once i tried

I can’t forget

Echo inside

Words once said

I don’t want to be in love anymore

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore

I don’t want to be in love anymore

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore

09.18.19 (sour)

These rotten apples

Of love

That I

Have been left to mull over

Sour all thoughts

And inclinations.

No decision is free from

The remnants of it.

I carry around it’s stench

Day in and out,

And at night

It manifests in

A paralyzing

Insomnia.

My eye has been twitching for a week.

This is not the way

It was supposed to be. 

09.27.19 (nap)

Just a short nap time dream

Where I stare

Into your green eyes

And cup my hand

Against your cheek

And feel you lean into it

Is enough to make tears

Spout forth from my eyes

And although that was yesterday

I still feel empty today.

09.13.19 (adulation)

To be in love

Is to give in to madness.

To declare

A form of

Adulation

As a way of being.

It is both

A destruction of the self

And a

Absorption of another.

It is a gift

But also a curse.

It is everything

And

Nothing.

To be in love

Is to be insane.

I doubt I’ll ever love

In that way again

09.13.19 (I felt my toothbrush crack while brushing my teeth)

I nearly broke my toothbrush in half

Pressing too hard against

My mind was wandering

Writing a song in my head

A time burned into my brain

One that feels close far behind

When you were far too uncertain

And I was way out of my mind

Eyes focused forward

I forged a silent path

When you went silent

I silently planned

A stopover for us to build

A life that we could lend

Our hearts already broken

But still could maybe mend

Before the end I knew it

You didn’t love me for at least a year

Felt it in my everything then

And I still feel it now here

Things began to fall apart

You tuned out, so I zeroed in

I committed to a future

I could only see you in

But that pushed you further

Isolated disparate

Words exchanged led to silence and

You let go of everything 

If I’m being honest

When you left I felt nothingness

The wound that you left

Took a long time to fully manifest

It’s a feeling that’s stuck with me

Nothing is enjoyable

Everything feels cheap

When I don’t have you, there is nothing

I get angry when I think this

It feels obsessive to revisit this so

But I watched everything we built

Collapse and slowly crumble

Seems a waste to abandon

But you’ve chosen your path

And our friendship is something 

I thought that would outlast

I feel a bit of everything

Saying the things that I have said

I regret saying anything

I kind of wish it would just end 

09.02.2019 (passing)

Sometimes I wonder

If what we felt together

Was ever anything more

Than passing clouds

09.01.2019 (feedback)

I’m still stuck 

In this sort of feedback loop

Replaying promises

While you enjoy another holiday

Forgetting them further

It all seems a joke

To have felt at all

Like a lifetime spent

Killing time. 

I think I’d rather not learned 

To love at all.

09.02.2019 (friend)

Death marriage suicide children

How will I lose my next friend 

08.29.19 (withdrawal)

Pretending the world hadn’t ended

Stumbling blind

Into naked desire:

I bumped and bumbled through

Many months.

Desire can grow poisonous

Like addiction,

And then when reality returns to focus

The return to nothingness can

Feel like withdrawal.

I do not look forward

To insomniac nights

But it seems they have come for me

Yet again. 

08.22.19 (words)

Dulling 

Draining

Absence

Drained 

Pain

Poor

Sore

Melancholy 

Folly

Fortress

For nothing

Futility

Periodic

Pain

Inept

Insane

Innocuous 

Incapable 

It is everything 

It is inane

It is nothing

It is passing rain

Momentary stain

A feeling gained 

A lesson learned 

A pardon feigned 

Feelings fickle

Passing days

Everything and nothing

Everything all the same

08.20.19 (mistaken)

I did well

For a long while.

I could go a day

And though you crossed my mind

You did not remain

For long.

Lately

You’ve reentered my dreams

And I find myself

Hungering

To hear your voice

To see you smile.

It’s funny,

I thought I was free,

I was mistaken.

08.16.19 (a little longer)

I Think of you

More often

Than I’d like to admit.

Not that you’re the

Sole owner

Of my thoughts,

But you enter them

Every day,

And that feels like

A form of torture.

I don’t think you 

Feel the same way

Or even

care

To hear such things,

But it is true.

I’ve been meaning 

to write down words

To say to you

The next time we speak,

But I’ve gone a good bit of time

Without crying,

And I’d like to enjoy that

A little longer.

08.13.19 (haunting)

I keep you in my heart

Both willingly and

Unwillingly.

I feel you when I breathe.

I see you when I think.

I hear you when I close my eyes.

I think of you when I lust,

When I kiss,

When I embrace another.

It feels as if it is a haunting

Of sorts. 

I cannot decide

Whether I like this

Or not.

08.12.19 (yearns)

Lust in place of love

Serves as a fragile distraction 

To the reality

Of emptiness and apathy.

A whirlwind week

Was lovely at times 

And wholly uneventful at others

But at no point

Has it felt like anything

Other than temporary. 

It took me a year

To make it this far

And not feel guilty

To give love to others,

Even still, it feels hollow.

Physical pleasures are 

No place to escape 

For any long period of time

When the heart 

Still yearns

For another. 

08.06.19 (we)

A year since you left

Still paralyzed

Learning from scratch

Fall apart sometimes 

Threw swords at each other

We hurt the same 

Things fall apart

We are both to blame

Tears well

Memory sound

I wonder how your eyes

Would look at me now

Hair grown long

Might be like yours

Grow it till 

I don’t care anymore

Is there a moving on

When you live inside me

Grown bitter from cold

Calloused words inscribed we

Forever is three words

Forever is lines drawn on me

Forever is an illusion 

Never again will I agree

08.01.19 (charade)

Replacing disappointment

With distaste

Discontentment

With distance.

Letting things go

Has never been

My strongest quality

But I cannot continue

In this manner.

I will no longer

Play this charade;

No more longing

There is no friendship to be had

07.29.19 (had)

It’s not so much to ask for

Forgiveness

I’d like to think I have changed

Learning and healing take time

Nobody’s perfect

I have made my mistakes

I want to believe in something more

Reincarnation 

Not another life, Perhaps redemption 

Tried to end my world real slow

Drink up

Feel like nothing feel nothing anymore 

Friendship seemed like an option

Misguided hope

Sometimes the end leaves nothing at all

Now there’s only a memory

Not good or bad

Just the remnants of something

We once had

07.26.19 (keep)

Reminded in everything I see

Wishes never meant to be

Poison tongue unraveling

Slow decay, everything

Chasing memories

Caught by the tail

Fighting the inevitable

Haunted and frail

Drink till there’s nothing left

Return to hell

Made me say forever

Couldn’t live it out yourself

Run round in circles

Words once said

Breathless and bored

Writhing in my bed

Shook to the core

Hide behind the door

Still I adore

Still I love you more

Regret comes in waves

Forget everything

Made me say forever

A promise you could not keep

07.23.19 (the doldrums)

How does one

Differentiate

Between the lack of pain

And the lack of will to 

Feel. 

I do not

No longer feel

The things I felt

Moreover

They have begun

To seep into my skin

And now it feels as if

I wear them constantly.

It’s this familiarity

That puzzles me,

In that I have these

Waves of despondence

But moreso

I’ve settled into a sort of 

Apathy of spirit.

As if the doldrums

Extend on forever.  

I almost want to feel nothing at all

Because I no longer care to feel.

I know that’s impossible,

But it feels like I’ve lost the will

To feel.

07.09.19 (manic plane napkin scribble)

Wishing well
To those
Who have found
A corner to
Shed light
On the dark parts
Of this
Cruel,
Yet beautiful
Existence.

07.09.19 (something else)

Taking a shit and crying 
In a public bathroom stall at work;

I’ve reached a new level of ineptitude.

Sobriety removes the veil

Of disillusionment 

And reality comes crashing in

Like a pileup on a one lane state highway.

Emotional immaturity and 

A willingness for anaesthesia,

Willful amnesia.

I have bankrupted myself

Of feeling.

Thirty years old

With a penchant for hiding

From pain.

Dull out the darkness

And pretend.

I don’t even know how to be 

A good friend

Anymore.

I thought before

At times

That I had lost control,

But to really feel it,

This is something else.

07.01.19 (I tried to forget about you for three days)

You were my best friend

You were my savior

You were the only thing

Keeping me from danger 

Untether my ties

Untell all my lies 

You were the only one 

Keeping me alive

Enter the hospital

I felt something was wrong

You’ve been withering 

Somewhere all along

Destroy all your regrets

Destroy all the pain

I was the person 

That drove you insane

Remember the tarot 

Said we could be friends

Late in our thirties 

A beautiful when 

Think of you always 

Really wish I didn’t 

Darkness isn’t forever

All is temporary 

06.28.19 (tossing)

It’s strange to wake up having heart palpitations. To go from a serene state of rest into a groggy mess of racing heart and confusion. Messy feelings bubble to the surface and then there’s tossing and turning for a while before submission and waiting for it to slow down. Deep breaths take away some of it, but tends to linger a while. 

06.27.19 (12:15am)

I killed a fly

It left a black smudge

On the bathroom sink.

I felt bad for a 

Short while after.

I yawned a bit,

It just turned midnight,

Today is the 27th of June.

I feel as I expected I would

On your birthday.

I brushed my teeth too hard;

My bristles bent,

My gums bled.

That made me think of you more

I think I got that habit from you.

I’ll send you a text later,

But really it’s been saved on my phone

For at least a week,

And I've been wondering what to say

Even longer.

I doubt any conversation of substance 

Will arise, and you’ll continue on

Rebuilding with me in the dark

And you in your new life.

I try to feel some sort of resentment

Towards you, but I can’t,

And I just end up feeling guilty.

Most of the time I end up in a panic

Because I can’t forget you. 

There’s a lot that I could say

Or perhaps could have done

But that’s a time long gone

And I think I’m beginning to accept that

I’ll just be alone for a long while.

06.23.19 (gum)

Why do I bother

To think I cannot falter

Mistaken I sought her

I understand I am fodder

Feel it burn my skin

Cannot ever win

Gold doesn’t conceal sin

Dirt is dirt amen

Belong in the trash

Cancerous mass

Forgotten in the cold 

Rotten like the mold 

Nothing much to contribute 

Feel fickle, feel moot

Nothing to lose, just truth

I am the gum on the bottom of your shoe 

06.21.19 (between asleep and awake)

In dreams

I see the expanse of time

Laid out before me.

I look out over eternity.

I see time,

In its loop,

Shrivel and cower

Beneath the weight

Of 

Fragile memories.

Our forever is not

Forever. 

Nor shall it ever be.

Our existence 

Does not decrease,

But our bodies,

Our memories,

Wither,

Decay,

Become less functional.

Eventually this all becomes

Nothing.

Everything. 

But something continues.

In that nothingness.

I think perhaps

That eternal nothingness

Is where we all end and begin

Again.

“That’s where I’ll always love you.“