1.5.11 (2011 doesn't feel much different)

i'm not going to pretend

that i know what's going on

and don't think for a single moment

i've forgotten what's been done

i stare out into white light

white heat to shake this mood

but the passing clouds remind me

forever always comes too soon

so i roll my body back over

and i try to fall back asleep

i cover my head with my blanket

return to some hazy dream

i'm not sure if i'm awake

and i'm not sure if i am dead

i think i've been here before

within the mess inside my head

i wake up and try to make sense

of what is real and what is not

i give up, just feeling grateful

for having all that i have got

thanks friends, thanks family

thank you to the shining sun

thank you to everything in this world

thank you every one

12.18.10 (just a passing thought)

we're all lost. some of us want to be found, and search desperately for a clue or anything to help them find their way. others realize that while they may be lost, they're not hopeless on their own. that's when they're found.

12.13.10 (sam cooke inspired song of longing and heartbreak written at 8 A.M. after having woken up at 6 A.M. and going to school on the wrong day)

there was a time when i held you close

and baby you cried, for your heart was broke

but that time has passed now, you've gone away

and i still think of you every day

oh i see you heart's beginning to grow

and deep inside it hurts me so-oh-oh

and i'm sorry if i come off unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

there was a time when you were mine, all mine

but you knew something just wasn't right

you told me that i had to go-oh-oh

and don't you know, you know you hurt me so-oh-oh

well baby, i know that you've already moved on

i know you're happy, that you think he's the one

and i am sorry if i seem unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

your heart will grow as time will slowly pass

and i hope you can build a love that truly lasts

as for me, i'll keep on singing my songs

and i'll keep loving you like i have all along

and i know that you have found someone new

and i hope that he can see what i've seen in you

and oh-oh-oh, i'm sorry if i have been unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

because you're someone elses baby,

not mine

12.7.10 (walk)

you see the leaves

roll across the ground

you hear the trees

dancing to their sound

and then you think

where do i fit

into all of this?

(you don't)

and then you think

where do i fit

into all of this?

(at home)

you feel the breeze

breathe across your face

the cold wind, wet grass

cutting through a lonely haze

and then you think

of all the times

that you have had

(they're gone)

and then you think

of all the faces

that you've seen

(all gone)

you look up to black

see the clouds above

and in the pale moonlight you think

it's alright, you aren't in love

12.7.10 (maybe later)

from my bed

golden rays shine

through the cracks

in my blinds

the sun it dances

golden light

across your face

and in your eyes

i lay my head back

stare up into the sky

clouds waltz past my window

through blues dancing by

your head on my chest

breathing softly

i smell your hair

and close my eyes

i start to doze off

but you pinch me

and i look in those eyes

and you kiss me

12.1.10 (who are you?)

i tried to keep you all to myself

but you can't put a cage, can't put chains

on someone else

you had told me you were tired of your stay

i tried to convice you to change your ways

but oh, you got out, you got away

i haven't heard much of you since

and i'm still locked, still stuck

in the same place

a simple wave, a kiss goodbye

might have done me in, have done the trick

but i admit i never did cry

when you left

11.27.10 (self-portrait)

who is this person i've come to be

who are these people i've come to meet

where is this place i've come to live

what is this love i've got to give

i feel i've forgotten quite a few things

i've grown tired of the songs i used to sing

i'm circling round thoughts i used to know

i can't stop thinking of the place i'm from

i never told you, but i planted seeds in the cracks of your heart

i planted flowers where bits had broken apart

i'd hoped a garden would spring out of your chest

anything to cure you of this nasty mess

but i'm still heading to bed each night alone

and each morning i wake up, i'm still cold

a frozen heart can take some time to thaw

like the midwest winter's reign/rain over fall

so i've been giving it quite a bit of thought

i'm taking in the products of what i've wrought

but those seeds i planted still refuse to grow

perhaps because they miss the winter snow

so maybe it's worse to fall in love

than it is to wake up and just be in

love

i'm learning to love you more

it's just going to take some time

11.10.10

racing forward;

my mind is chasing itself

i stop to catch

a breath of air

only to breathe in blood

rushing to my chest,

for my heart

is racing too

i try to quench

my growing thirst

but all i have (to drink)

is more stressful than before

i should have brought something else!

"i think i'm lost!"

my mind says to

itself...

oh! to be found!

10.14.10 (speculation)

i do not believe
 i should say i'm sorry
 not a word will be spoken
for your hope to gleam, hardly
 i am not mad
no grudge to be held
i gave you a taste
of the betrayal i have felt
 this is not an act
of distaste or retribution
 just a passing thought
 words that will never
 leave my sorry tongue
 i do not wish
 to further tear at your wounds
 just to extract a fraction
of truth from your muddied mouth

7.5.10 (frantic)

what do i have to do?
to what lengths must i go?
to turn this cruel, scary world
into a loving home
 how many hands must i shake?
how many promises will i break?
i wish i could do it,
oh i wish it would work
but i know i'd be too afraid
that i would get hurt
 and nothing really matters much to me
but what i'm feeling now
and though it hurts so bad
 it will pass,
like a thinning cloud
 now i feel kind of frantic
i feel kind of sad
my mind is racing in circles
turning me dizzy and
so i try to think only of now
i think of how small,
how tiny we really are
and then everything is kind of ok,
none of this really matters anyhow