8.10.11 (regret)

staring out into nothing

eyes wide, on the open sky

looking out, looking back, looking forward for something

a place, a time; another life: a memory

but its gone, so far away

in the middle of the night, i am wide awake

so many times, i wish i'd stayed

forever doubting the choices i've made

a thousand times along the way

i've let some other fill these hazy days

should i be worried, should i be sad?

that it's these lonely dreams i always have

maybe someday

maybe someday

maybe someday

8.10.11 (remorse)

i should have seen it coming

its happened so many times before

i've never been very good at playing games

but i haven't got the nerve to end them

these calloused hands do copulate

its always something about

the way the way the way the way the way the way

and it continues till the sour end

when we admit we are no longer friends

another time, another game i've played

a word of apology, i can never say

but weeks go by, and now another says

its something about

the way the way the way the way the way the way

3.20.11 (low)

i'm not feeling very nice today

i don't want to speak a word to a single face

no, i don't feel like talking, just getting away

i need to just get out of this place

i'm sick of seeing all the wrong people

sick of the rats, the snakes, and the weasels

i'm starting to think i made the wrong choice

as i comb my thoughts, searching for my voice

i guess i probably should not go back home

i mean, maybe i really am better off alone

or maybe i'll just go to a place that i don't know

i guess it won't matter when i've turned to stone

3.30.11 (in dreams)

I had a dream and you were in it

i could hear you breathing in the sky

you called out and so i followed

in my arms i wrapped you from behind

over time your smell had changed

i whispered quiet in your ear

"i'm heading home soon" i said

"i can't believe you won't be here"

i'm sorry that i will miss it

i'll phone when the time has come

but i know you will not answer

from their drinks you will go numb

yet still i cannot help but wonder

of how your night is gonna be

so i sit and so i think

until morning washes you clean

the wave is crashing now beside me

then i am jarred up from my slumber

and in the light of the morning sun

i stare off and i remember

(happy birthday)

2.18.11 (over)

dried blood on your fingers

mistaken for dirt

from cracks in your heart

that cause it to hurt

you've been working all night

to fix what you can not repair

but you try and you fail

and now you're pulling out hair

the rift it grows larger

the void filled up dark

walking quicker now

to the other end of the park

the fragments of love once there

that occupy the cracks

they gleam and they glisten

in a sickening black

you are hollow now

i still hear your name

carried from mouths by the wind

and the hair on my neck still stands for a moment

as i turn and walk away

3.2.09 (make it work)

i'm tired of this flat terrain

i need wilderness, tress, and high mountains

i need wolves and deer, and things in between

i need to see every last thing that i've never seen

no more illusions, i'll create my own

to level my mind and to ease my soul

to travel on the open road

is the only way that i'll truly feel whole

(at least i hope)

no drugs, just life, to make me high

breathe it in deep, let out a heavy sigh

to struggle much, no more than i am now

just growing whole, and tramping about

to dream is to live, live life the way you should

and so i'll try, to make this life good

2008 (about a dream where i set off in a balloon with the company of friends in search of a lost love)

i set off in my balloon

started off with a tiny crew

but soon our strength it grew and grew

and we carried on, wherever the wind blew

oh traveled far, we traveled wide

we made shapes of clouds, to pass the time

we traveled through day to night

till sun had hidden, and stars shone bright

my crew is loyal to the end

they'd go to hell for me, and back again

i'm grateful for every last one of them

i am nobody and these are my friends

1.19.11

dear friend

where did you go

you left, you took a trip

to a place you shouldn't know

and now you're lost

caught up in a mess

but we could nevereverever

stop loving you, i promise

so come on home

come back to us

just be patient my friend

we'll surround you with love

you had me scared

we've all cried

because we got a glimpse of

the pain that you held inside

please come with me

i swear we'll smile

you're everything to me

best friends for a long while

so come on home

come on back to us

just be patient my friend

we will surround you with love

don't be discouraged

i know you try

we'll do this together

you and me in time

i just want to see

your laughing face

anything to quell

sad thoughts polluting my brain

just know i love you

know that we all do

our hearts may be fragile

but they all grow anew

just come on home

come on back to us

and no matter what

we will again have fun

1.14.11 (the request)

i open my eyes

the same eyes i've always had

i see things a little different now

i don't know if that's bad

through my nostrils i breathe in

i breathe in the air

it's the only thing that

we can all agree to share

and i don't know if i'm young

but i am glad

no one likes being down

cherish all the times we've had

and the water that falls

coming down from the sky

it mirrors the rain

that falls from my eyes

so don't make me feel sad

cause i don't want to cry

and i really do love you

and i will show you when i

kiss you on your neck

and i am very grateful

i am happy i met you

you make everything too good to ever be

mad

1.5.11 (2011 doesn't feel much different)

i'm not going to pretend

that i know what's going on

and don't think for a single moment

i've forgotten what's been done

i stare out into white light

white heat to shake this mood

but the passing clouds remind me

forever always comes too soon

so i roll my body back over

and i try to fall back asleep

i cover my head with my blanket

return to some hazy dream

i'm not sure if i'm awake

and i'm not sure if i am dead

i think i've been here before

within the mess inside my head

i wake up and try to make sense

of what is real and what is not

i give up, just feeling grateful

for having all that i have got

thanks friends, thanks family

thank you to the shining sun

thank you to everything in this world

thank you every one