04.04.2019 (like fire)

By now you’re on an airplane,

Your head on his shoulder.

I wonder if he will rub your back,

Or if he will put his elbow to your shoulders

When you will almost certainly need it later.

I still find it maddening

That after years of imploring you

To travel abroad,

You did it within seven months

With someone new. 

I’d call him a stranger,

But I’m sure he’s only strange to me.

Where has this impulse lived

For the last six years?

I hate that you hid yourself,

I hate if I made you feel you had to.

I know I’m over the line

To say such things,

But you’ve trivialized our friendship

To such an extent,

That this feels like

A playground conversation. 

Perhaps I’ll not care as much

Some day far down the line

But for now,

This pain is too real,

And it clings to me

Like fire.

04.04.2019 (torture)

There is a dullness

That has engulfed

All that I once enjoyed:

Food no longer tastes

Reading provides no respite

The night sky no longer glimmers

And every waking hour 

Is a reminder

Of failure

Of your absence.

There is a torture

In being awake

The mind still works

A million miles an hour.

You’re leaving on your trip today

I don’t want you to have a good time

But I’m sure you will.

I imagine you’ll fall deeper

And perhaps someday he’ll propose

I can feel the sting of the tears

As they run down my cheeks

Years from now

Without you

The thought of being

Anything at all

Sounds like torture

The only salvation

I experience

Is the nothingness I find

At the bottom of many

Many drinks

And in doing so

Forgetting that I exist

At all

03.31.19 (6:00am)

I took too much acid again 

I wish I could cry

For hours like before 

But the wells dried up

The illusion that you’d wait

Is there no more.

I’ve died a thousand deaths tonight

My body is still

But trembling

I feel cold in my own skin

If I could just get a fucking sweater

It’s funny that I saw that funeral showroom

I feel like I’ve been window shopping outside 

this whole time 

I’d really like to sleep now 

The sun is clawing it’s way over the fading night sky

This feeling doesn’t go away 

She takes me back in waves 

Ahhhh there are the tears

03.28.19 (silent forever)

Bury your troubles

In caffeine

And alcohol. 

Phone set

To silent forever;

Do not disturb.

No friend,

Nor foe,

Would know:

I’m asleep,

I’m dead.

Have another drink

Try still to forget.

This hell is 

Your own making;

Live still

In regret. 

03.28.19 (suffer)

I thought I found

Salvation

In the bottom of an 

Empty glass

But what I found

Was the key to an

Immortality 

I never wished for.

An endless cycle

Of

Birth and

Rebirth.

Of death

And

Dead again.

I thought my heart

Had suffered

All it could

Suffer.

Still

It yearns,

It bleeds,

For you.

03.25.19 (present)

I watched my coffee

Overflow

As it poured from 

The dispenser.

I had deleted all

Social media

From my phone. 

I was trying to
Run away
From what I had seen:
Of love
For another.
I guess also

To be more

Present,

But I was 

Miles away;

Trapped 

In the slow moving 

Consciousness

That is 

Grief, 

denial.

Where 

Midmorning’s mundanity

Leads to feelings 

Of regret,

And

Sadness

Creeps up like

A specter; 

A reminder of

Devastating failure.

I thought that

By ridding myself

Of that cursed media

I would somehow 

Not think of 

you 

as much

But alas,

Here I am:

Sitting at my desk

On the verge of 

Tears.

03.23.19 (crippled)

How soon will this moon

Disappear from my sky

Or am I trapped in this feeling

This constant reeling

This back and forth

This diminishing self worth

It’s not that it’s just someone

It’s everything

It’s forever

It was just you, always you

And you can just wipe it away

As if six years are six months

As if I too did not suffer

As if I was the only selfish one

Every time you said I love you more

It hurt that much more to hear

Because I knew it could not be

How could we get so low

How could you give up on me

How did we get here

I remember solemn vows

Forever

I fear I will grow to hate it all

This pain is crippling

03.21.19 (two dreams)

I had more dreams with you in them. One was good, one was sad. It kind of equalled out, but still I wake dreading your absence. In the first we were together in a large lecture hall and the only thing that seemed to matter to us was that we sat next to each other. In the other ran to each other’s arms and cried for a long while. We appeared to be sitting on a bed and I tried explaining my silence while you’ve been gone, but it just sounded all the more thoughtless to you. We cried harder and when I woke, tears were streaming down my face. Still, I have to admit that waking up crying is better than waking up thinking you’ll be lying next to me.

03.20.19 (it’s getting worse)

I had to look up the feeling

I’ve felt since you left

Feels like a lump in my throat 

I wish you’d come home

I know I’m drinking too much

Hard not to distress

When every minutes a mile

Between our last glance 

I cried the whole day

That you drove away

Felt every second divide

With each passing mile

Lost my mind 

One day at a time

Distracted by guilt

I miss you still

All seems avoidable 

Talk openly

‘One thing at a time’

Why was I so weak 

I feel you letting go

Though I don’t really know

I should have said something first 

Still it’s getting worse

3.20.19 (manic)

This pain is unlike others

I’ve felt many before

This loss feels different

A world remains shattered

Cry for hours

Feel no reprieve

Hundreds of letters

Lay still, torn to pieces

A union unsettled

Forced apart by my pain

Unable to speak it

These words still remain

See misguided phrases/feelings

Atop unfettered fear

Imagining all our sustenance  

Slowly disappear 

Move one step at a time

Still three steps two slow

I’m diving backwards 

Still, forwards you grow 

I try to remember 

All the times I went wrong

I’m guilty I’m selfish 

I’ve lost all I’d want

Words ring hollow

A forced friendship

You’re seeing someone new

And I’ll stay stuck in wait

Forever means forever

Or maybe for a while

I said what I meant

Irrelevant 

There is a feeling

An emptiness unmatched

Try to dull the pain

Drink till I forget