12.08.2016 (haha)

I would tell you I don't care

But you don't care

I'd tell you I love you

But do you too

Felt disconnected for a while 

Disconnected forever 

Is there life left

Are we living now 

Whisper in your ear 

You're everything 

Whisper in your ear

It's always you

It was always you

Feel my heart skip time to time 

Feel cautious at every sign

Temporary feeling

Temporary life 

But does it feel good if it feels right 

Want to be in your life

Feeling gravitated to you 

All of the time

Whisper in your ear 

You're everything 

Whisper in your ear

It's always you

It was always you

11.20.2016 (next to you)

I am stupid and I'm sorry

It is what I am

I still get excited sometimes

At the little things 

I still smile when I wake up 

next to you

11.02.2016 (streams)

It's been hard to think. About anything really. You start to wonder about the depths of everything you're feeling and whether it's all real or just you overreacting. Is this what it feels like to pretend? I imagine it's a bright day, like many others, but maybe a little cooler than usual. Life feels like a can of worms that got opened on accident and is spilling everywhere. Sadness is a virtue, or maybe a way of being human. Ya gotta have your lows to have your highs right? The time really has flown by I guess and it's hard to remember very specifically the words to that drop nineteens song, but fuck does it echo in my brain often. I think futility is a means of understanding the breadth of living, or maybe that's just mine. Shame is my friend, or if it isnt, tell it to leave me alone, I'm tired of feeling it all the time. Castrated and decapitated, I think it'd feel much better that way. Loneliness is sleeping in an empty bed. Loneliness is at the end of the bar alone on a Sunday night. Loneliness is sitting on a crowded train and feeling like nothing. Loneliness is passé, we've heard it all before. Am I a nihilist? I could be making something; being creative in some way. Time is heavy though. I feel like I'm dancing in peanut butter. I'm not trying to be funny, but I think life does that to you sometimes so you remember it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Did I say that already? I get a little tired and want to take a long long nap sometimes, but I think too much about how tired everyone else is of that. The way it goes is often not the way you expected or the way you wanted it to be, but the way is often all there is. Sometimes it's good to cry to remind yourself that you really are human. It's easy to doubt the reality of everything when everything feels so upside-down. But hey, maybe it is all a dream and we wake up and we're moths emerging from cocoons. I'll see you and you'll see me and we'll fly into a window or a light or a ceiling fan. I guess it's all a bunch of hullabaloo and how funny is it that that's a real word. There's a whole world out there and that's hard to remember when everyone in yours disappears. I keep thinking about light switches being turned on and off, because that's what the days have felt like a lot. I thought about sticking my finger into an outlet to feel energetic. That joke was a lot funnier when I said it to myself. 

04.04.2019 (like fire)

By now you’re on an airplane,

Your head on his shoulder.

I wonder if he will rub your back,

Or if he will put his elbow to your shoulders

When you will almost certainly need it later.

I still find it maddening

That after years of imploring you

To travel abroad,

You did it within seven months

With someone new. 

I’d call him a stranger,

But I’m sure he’s only strange to me.

Where has this impulse lived

For the last six years?

I hate that you hid yourself,

I hate if I made you feel you had to.

I know I’m over the line

To say such things,

But you’ve trivialized our friendship

To such an extent,

That this feels like

A playground conversation. 

Perhaps I’ll not care as much

Some day far down the line

But for now,

This pain is too real,

And it clings to me

Like fire.

04.04.2019 (torture)

There is a dullness

That has engulfed

All that I once enjoyed:

Food no longer tastes

Reading provides no respite

The night sky no longer glimmers

And every waking hour 

Is a reminder

Of failure

Of your absence.

There is a torture

In being awake

The mind still works

A million miles an hour.

You’re leaving on your trip today

I don’t want you to have a good time

But I’m sure you will.

I imagine you’ll fall deeper

And perhaps someday he’ll propose

I can feel the sting of the tears

As they run down my cheeks

Years from now

Without you

The thought of being

Anything at all

Sounds like torture

The only salvation

I experience

Is the nothingness I find

At the bottom of many

Many drinks

And in doing so

Forgetting that I exist

At all

03.31.19 (6:00am)

I took too much acid again 

I wish I could cry

For hours like before 

But the wells dried up

The illusion that you’d wait

Is there no more.

I’ve died a thousand deaths tonight

My body is still

But trembling

I feel cold in my own skin

If I could just get a fucking sweater

It’s funny that I saw that funeral showroom

I feel like I’ve been window shopping outside 

this whole time 

I’d really like to sleep now 

The sun is clawing it’s way over the fading night sky

This feeling doesn’t go away 

She takes me back in waves 

Ahhhh there are the tears

03.28.19 (silent forever)

Bury your troubles

In caffeine

And alcohol. 

Phone set

To silent forever;

Do not disturb.

No friend,

Nor foe,

Would know:

I’m asleep,

I’m dead.

Have another drink

Try still to forget.

This hell is 

Your own making;

Live still

In regret. 

03.28.19 (suffer)

I thought I found

Salvation

In the bottom of an 

Empty glass

But what I found

Was the key to an

Immortality 

I never wished for.

An endless cycle

Of

Birth and

Rebirth.

Of death

And

Dead again.

I thought my heart

Had suffered

All it could

Suffer.

Still

It yearns,

It bleeds,

For you.

03.25.19 (present)

I watched my coffee

Overflow

As it poured from 

The dispenser.

I had deleted all

Social media

From my phone. 

I was trying to
Run away
From what I had seen:
Of love
For another.
I guess also

To be more

Present,

But I was 

Miles away;

Trapped 

In the slow moving 

Consciousness

That is 

Grief, 

denial.

Where 

Midmorning’s mundanity

Leads to feelings 

Of regret,

And

Sadness

Creeps up like

A specter; 

A reminder of

Devastating failure.

I thought that

By ridding myself

Of that cursed media

I would somehow 

Not think of 

you 

as much

But alas,

Here I am:

Sitting at my desk

On the verge of 

Tears.

03.23.19 (crippled)

How soon will this moon

Disappear from my sky

Or am I trapped in this feeling

This constant reeling

This back and forth

This diminishing self worth

It’s not that it’s just someone

It’s everything

It’s forever

It was just you, always you

And you can just wipe it away

As if six years are six months

As if I too did not suffer

As if I was the only selfish one

Every time you said I love you more

It hurt that much more to hear

Because I knew it could not be

How could we get so low

How could you give up on me

How did we get here

I remember solemn vows

Forever

I fear I will grow to hate it all

This pain is crippling