11.02.2016 (streams)

It's been hard to think. About anything really. You start to wonder about the depths of everything you're feeling and whether it's all real or just you overreacting. Is this what it feels like to pretend? I imagine it's a bright day, like many others, but maybe a little cooler than usual. Life feels like a can of worms that got opened on accident and is spilling everywhere. Sadness is a virtue, or maybe a way of being human. Ya gotta have your lows to have your highs right? The time really has flown by I guess and it's hard to remember very specifically the words to that drop nineteens song, but fuck does it echo in my brain often. I think futility is a means of understanding the breadth of living, or maybe that's just mine. Shame is my friend, or if it isnt, tell it to leave me alone, I'm tired of feeling it all the time. Castrated and decapitated, I think it'd feel much better that way. Loneliness is sleeping in an empty bed. Loneliness is at the end of the bar alone on a Sunday night. Loneliness is sitting on a crowded train and feeling like nothing. Loneliness is passé, we've heard it all before. Am I a nihilist? I could be making something; being creative in some way. Time is heavy though. I feel like I'm dancing in peanut butter. I'm not trying to be funny, but I think life does that to you sometimes so you remember it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Did I say that already? I get a little tired and want to take a long long nap sometimes, but I think too much about how tired everyone else is of that. The way it goes is often not the way you expected or the way you wanted it to be, but the way is often all there is. Sometimes it's good to cry to remind yourself that you really are human. It's easy to doubt the reality of everything when everything feels so upside-down. But hey, maybe it is all a dream and we wake up and we're moths emerging from cocoons. I'll see you and you'll see me and we'll fly into a window or a light or a ceiling fan. I guess it's all a bunch of hullabaloo and how funny is it that that's a real word. There's a whole world out there and that's hard to remember when everyone in yours disappears. I keep thinking about light switches being turned on and off, because that's what the days have felt like a lot. I thought about sticking my finger into an outlet to feel energetic. That joke was a lot funnier when I said it to myself.