07.29.19 (had)

It’s not so much to ask for

Forgiveness

I’d like to think I have changed

Learning and healing take time

Nobody’s perfect

I have made my mistakes

I want to believe in something more

Reincarnation 

Not another life, Perhaps redemption 

Tried to end my world real slow

Drink up

Feel like nothing feel nothing anymore 

Friendship seemed like an option

Misguided hope

Sometimes the end leaves nothing at all

Now there’s only a memory

Not good or bad

Just the remnants of something

We once had

07.26.19 (keep)

Reminded in everything I see

Wishes never meant to be

Poison tongue unraveling

Slow decay, everything

Chasing memories

Caught by the tail

Fighting the inevitable

Haunted and frail

Drink till there’s nothing left

Return to hell

Made me say forever

Couldn’t live it out yourself

Run round in circles

Words once said

Breathless and bored

Writhing in my bed

Shook to the core

Hide behind the door

Still I adore

Still I love you more

Regret comes in waves

Forget everything

Made me say forever

A promise you could not keep

07.23.19 (the doldrums)

How does one

Differentiate

Between the lack of pain

And the lack of will to 

Feel. 

I do not

No longer feel

The things I felt

Moreover

They have begun

To seep into my skin

And now it feels as if

I wear them constantly.

It’s this familiarity

That puzzles me,

In that I have these

Waves of despondence

But moreso

I’ve settled into a sort of 

Apathy of spirit.

As if the doldrums

Extend on forever.  

I almost want to feel nothing at all

Because I no longer care to feel.

I know that’s impossible,

But it feels like I’ve lost the will

To feel.

07.09.19 (manic plane napkin scribble)

Wishing well
To those
Who have found
A corner to
Shed light
On the dark parts
Of this
Cruel,
Yet beautiful
Existence.

07.09.19 (something else)

Taking a shit and crying 
In a public bathroom stall at work;

I’ve reached a new level of ineptitude.

Sobriety removes the veil

Of disillusionment 

And reality comes crashing in

Like a pileup on a one lane state highway.

Emotional immaturity and 

A willingness for anaesthesia,

Willful amnesia.

I have bankrupted myself

Of feeling.

Thirty years old

With a penchant for hiding

From pain.

Dull out the darkness

And pretend.

I don’t even know how to be 

A good friend

Anymore.

I thought before

At times

That I had lost control,

But to really feel it,

This is something else.

07.01.19 (I tried to forget about you for three days)

You were my best friend

You were my savior

You were the only thing

Keeping me from danger 

Untether my ties

Untell all my lies 

You were the only one 

Keeping me alive

Enter the hospital

I felt something was wrong

You’ve been withering 

Somewhere all along

Destroy all your regrets

Destroy all the pain

I was the person 

That drove you insane

Remember the tarot 

Said we could be friends

Late in our thirties 

A beautiful when 

Think of you always 

Really wish I didn’t 

Darkness isn’t forever

All is temporary 

06.28.19 (tossing)

It’s strange to wake up having heart palpitations. To go from a serene state of rest into a groggy mess of racing heart and confusion. Messy feelings bubble to the surface and then there’s tossing and turning for a while before submission and waiting for it to slow down. Deep breaths take away some of it, but tends to linger a while. 

06.27.19 (12:15am)

I killed a fly

It left a black smudge

On the bathroom sink.

I felt bad for a 

Short while after.

I yawned a bit,

It just turned midnight,

Today is the 27th of June.

I feel as I expected I would

On your birthday.

I brushed my teeth too hard;

My bristles bent,

My gums bled.

That made me think of you more

I think I got that habit from you.

I’ll send you a text later,

But really it’s been saved on my phone

For at least a week,

And I've been wondering what to say

Even longer.

I doubt any conversation of substance 

Will arise, and you’ll continue on

Rebuilding with me in the dark

And you in your new life.

I try to feel some sort of resentment

Towards you, but I can’t,

And I just end up feeling guilty.

Most of the time I end up in a panic

Because I can’t forget you. 

There’s a lot that I could say

Or perhaps could have done

But that’s a time long gone

And I think I’m beginning to accept that

I’ll just be alone for a long while.

06.23.19 (gum)

Why do I bother

To think I cannot falter

Mistaken I sought her

I understand I am fodder

Feel it burn my skin

Cannot ever win

Gold doesn’t conceal sin

Dirt is dirt amen

Belong in the trash

Cancerous mass

Forgotten in the cold 

Rotten like the mold 

Nothing much to contribute 

Feel fickle, feel moot

Nothing to lose, just truth

I am the gum on the bottom of your shoe 

06.21.19 (between asleep and awake)

In dreams

I see the expanse of time

Laid out before me.

I look out over eternity.

I see time,

In its loop,

Shrivel and cower

Beneath the weight

Of 

Fragile memories.

Our forever is not

Forever. 

Nor shall it ever be.

Our existence 

Does not decrease,

But our bodies,

Our memories,

Wither,

Decay,

Become less functional.

Eventually this all becomes

Nothing.

Everything. 

But something continues.

In that nothingness.

I think perhaps

That eternal nothingness

Is where we all end and begin

Again.

“That’s where I’ll always love you.“