12.18.10 (just a passing thought)

we're all lost. some of us want to be found, and search desperately for a clue or anything to help them find their way. others realize that while they may be lost, they're not hopeless on their own. that's when they're found.

12.13.10 (sam cooke inspired song of longing and heartbreak written at 8 A.M. after having woken up at 6 A.M. and going to school on the wrong day)

there was a time when i held you close

and baby you cried, for your heart was broke

but that time has passed now, you've gone away

and i still think of you every day

oh i see you heart's beginning to grow

and deep inside it hurts me so-oh-oh

and i'm sorry if i come off unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

there was a time when you were mine, all mine

but you knew something just wasn't right

you told me that i had to go-oh-oh

and don't you know, you know you hurt me so-oh-oh

well baby, i know that you've already moved on

i know you're happy, that you think he's the one

and i am sorry if i seem unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

your heart will grow as time will slowly pass

and i hope you can build a love that truly lasts

as for me, i'll keep on singing my songs

and i'll keep loving you like i have all along

and i know that you have found someone new

and i hope that he can see what i've seen in you

and oh-oh-oh, i'm sorry if i have been unkind

because you're someone else's baby, not mine

because you're someone elses baby,

not mine

12.7.10 (walk)

you see the leaves

roll across the ground

you hear the trees

dancing to their sound

and then you think

where do i fit

into all of this?

(you don't)

and then you think

where do i fit

into all of this?

(at home)

you feel the breeze

breathe across your face

the cold wind, wet grass

cutting through a lonely haze

and then you think

of all the times

that you have had

(they're gone)

and then you think

of all the faces

that you've seen

(all gone)

you look up to black

see the clouds above

and in the pale moonlight you think

it's alright, you aren't in love

12.7.10 (maybe later)

from my bed

golden rays shine

through the cracks

in my blinds

the sun it dances

golden light

across your face

and in your eyes

i lay my head back

stare up into the sky

clouds waltz past my window

through blues dancing by

your head on my chest

breathing softly

i smell your hair

and close my eyes

i start to doze off

but you pinch me

and i look in those eyes

and you kiss me

12.1.10 (who are you?)

i tried to keep you all to myself

but you can't put a cage, can't put chains

on someone else

you had told me you were tired of your stay

i tried to convice you to change your ways

but oh, you got out, you got away

i haven't heard much of you since

and i'm still locked, still stuck

in the same place

a simple wave, a kiss goodbye

might have done me in, have done the trick

but i admit i never did cry

when you left

11.27.10 (self-portrait)

who is this person i've come to be

who are these people i've come to meet

where is this place i've come to live

what is this love i've got to give

i feel i've forgotten quite a few things

i've grown tired of the songs i used to sing

i'm circling round thoughts i used to know

i can't stop thinking of the place i'm from

i never told you, but i planted seeds in the cracks of your heart

i planted flowers where bits had broken apart

i'd hoped a garden would spring out of your chest

anything to cure you of this nasty mess

but i'm still heading to bed each night alone

and each morning i wake up, i'm still cold

a frozen heart can take some time to thaw

like the midwest winter's reign/rain over fall

so i've been giving it quite a bit of thought

i'm taking in the products of what i've wrought

but those seeds i planted still refuse to grow

perhaps because they miss the winter snow

so maybe it's worse to fall in love

than it is to wake up and just be in

love

i'm learning to love you more

it's just going to take some time

11.10.10

racing forward;

my mind is chasing itself

i stop to catch

a breath of air

only to breathe in blood

rushing to my chest,

for my heart

is racing too

i try to quench

my growing thirst

but all i have (to drink)

is more stressful than before

i should have brought something else!

"i think i'm lost!"

my mind says to

itself...

oh! to be found!

10.14.10 (speculation)

i do not believe
 i should say i'm sorry
 not a word will be spoken
for your hope to gleam, hardly
 i am not mad
no grudge to be held
i gave you a taste
of the betrayal i have felt
 this is not an act
of distaste or retribution
 just a passing thought
 words that will never
 leave my sorry tongue
 i do not wish
 to further tear at your wounds
 just to extract a fraction
of truth from your muddied mouth

7.5.10 (frantic)

what do i have to do?
to what lengths must i go?
to turn this cruel, scary world
into a loving home
 how many hands must i shake?
how many promises will i break?
i wish i could do it,
oh i wish it would work
but i know i'd be too afraid
that i would get hurt
 and nothing really matters much to me
but what i'm feeling now
and though it hurts so bad
 it will pass,
like a thinning cloud
 now i feel kind of frantic
i feel kind of sad
my mind is racing in circles
turning me dizzy and
so i try to think only of now
i think of how small,
how tiny we really are
and then everything is kind of ok,
none of this really matters anyhow

6.28.10 (old timey love song)

oh where have you gone my love

your words still flow deep within my blood

no matter how long or how far you are

you will always be the life flowing through my heart

and i know, i know, i know we'll try

to go our own ways, to live our own lives

but i can't go on living on my own

no, without you by my side, i'll be swallowed whole

so baby come back!

return to my side!

come back to my arms! oh baby come back!

and hold your head high!

i'll give you everything that you ever could need

i'll take you to places that you've never seen

i'll buy you all the diamonds in the world

if only you'd be my girl

but i know that you've got your own plan

i just wish that you would let me be your man

i would gladly stand tall by your side

just so long as you would be mine

oh, please! baby come back! come back! come back!

return to my side!

let me hold you in my arms!

till the sun refuses to shine!

06.01.10 (building/burning)

it's harder to build a bridge than it is to mend a broken one and by the time i've gotten the courage you're already long gone and so i set off on my own on a desperate search to find a new home but i'm quick to chase my own tail i'm poor boy, destined to fail what a sob story i am nothing i do ever works out right and the second something is wrong i turn tail and run away in fright i set off again on my own chasing my tail, running back home maybe my mind's just too frail a boy made of glass, made to fail what a nightmare this is too lazy to try, too confused to cry i drive myself mad every day and then drink myself stupid every night and then i'm off again on my own i'm running again, away from this home forever on this lonesome trail just a stupid, selfish kid, born to fail

5.29.10 (_______)

take this longing from my bones to ease the pain of being alone to get over having loved and lost to forget the nights our bodies lay crossed take yourself out of my dreams i'm tired of being haunted by a memory i'm tired of waking up alone i'm tired of the nights, so cold give back all of the love you stole i think it's time for you to go return to me all that you owe and my heart will once again be closed so you go your way, and i go mine though i still think of you all the time and though i'm sorry i can't have you for my own i'll carry on as i have always done

5.12.10 ( september 17, 2009(felt like shit about not writing for a while, ended up have you as my only inspiration))

i saw you from afar,
and it twisted my insides
i exited the car
and stared deep into your eyes
and we grabbed each other
and we held and we held
like it had been forever
 you whispered i love you,
infidelity in my mind
we sat close on the ride home,
the most vulnerable ride i've ever had
i felt like i could collapse
and die at your side
well the pleasure is all mine
 when we got home,
we said hello
we ventured downstairs
we kissed, we made love,
and i can still smell you on my pillow
some nights it's almost too much,
too many memories
tears well up in my eyes,
at the thought of your name,
your face, our time
i only wish i really knew
the way things turned out
so cold, so cruel
laying here, on a couch, alone
i've never felt this far from home
i guess that it's gone

5.12.10 (6/26/08)

when i hear your name,
i want to cry
there really was no reason
why we lost you
so young
 we drank too much
and way too fast
before we knew
it would be the last time,
we would see you
 I remember waking up,
still drunk
kind of hungover
and then my heart sunk
when i saw you
 tears fled
to my leaking eyes
when i saw your face
i couldn't help but cry
for you, you left
too soon
 and now i know
i'll never forget that day
no i will not ever
forget your name
gabe

4/22/10 (boyish blunders)

he had traveled and traveled he lived with no plan but none could the replace the fruit of his home land so he grabbed and he plucked he stole from all the trees safely nestled on his back he stuffed what he took into a sack he took what he wanted he went as he pleased he left quickly as he came on the slightest breeze and as he wandered 'cross the land retracing his old steps he gathered heart from the east and soul from the wild west and so he dredged on in search of eden and what he found was things didn't mean nearly as much when they weren't where they belonged

4/15/10 (regret)

i want you to know i don't care about you
i want you to know that that's a lie
i want you to know that i wrote this for you
i want you to know i wish you'd die
i really don't even if i say i do
i just want to explain why i cry
with out feeling like a fool
 you lasso'd me cross the states
you stole from me the time i had
i'm back where i first started; sitting in wait
now i'm here again, alone in my room; feelin' sad
 you promised me the world and more
you promised to show me love i'd never seen
then you took off and left me sore
and time goes by; i try to forget you
but you force your way on back
well now i'm miles and miles away from you
so please don't ever come back

3/29/10 (not settled with settling)

wake up in the morning, and i get out of bed i stretch out my arms and i scratch my head i look out the window and see that it's dawn i splash some water on my face and i let out a yawn i lay back down, rest my eyes a while longer i slip back to sleep and dream that this is all over fast forward to forever, rewind to infinity all i really want is to get out with my sanity but then i wake up again to the cats meowing hungry, pawing at my arm and then they follow me the kitchen is dirty and i'm still tired i feed the cats, take a drink of cold water i get my clothes ready to start my day another nine hours of work, no rest and no play then i make my way back to the city of sin back to the dirty apartment where my day begins then i think of the ways that i'll kill my time i read, write, i play, till the end of the night then i start it all over, i lay in the chair i think about you, and how you never cared i think to myself, this is all really silly and when i finally fall asleep i dream someday i'll be happy

3/13/10 (desparate man blues)

i want it to rain i want it to wash the tears from my face i want it to erase the thoughts held in my brain so i can be happy once again so i will not wake up in pain i want to feel the rain beating softly against my skin oh take away these feelings in my heart i need some kind of brand new start i want it to rain and never stop

3/4/10 (TLL)

hey you! why the long face? you're so young to be so full of rage! i know, it's been hard i know cause i've seen your scars but you know i really do care so don't lock yourself inside your lair come out and please talk to me tell me everything you've seen i want to hear you sing! tell me how you're living! so what, you're gay! you know that that's okay! some people don't understand, well those people can fuck off! but don't let it define you! you've got to remain true! you've got to follow your heart, let it lead you through the dark and i swear on the other side you will find your light!

3/4/10 (MJM)

I don't even quite know where to start your hearts been beaten, broken, and torn apart i know we've cried together! i know we've cried because of each other! i know you're trying hard, to be a good mom but you've got to know by now, you're doing a good job! you've got to calm down! it's almost over now! we're all nearly grown, although it hardly shows, we're all starting our lives! we don't need a friend! we need a strong-willed woman! we've all got to change our ways, before we lose our minds! no more drinking all the time! no more stupid, pointless fights! we're all moving too fast, but we're stuck in the past we don't think nearly enough of the consequences! we don't talk very much! and i think that's kind of fucked! in fact i think it's pretty fucking depressing! but i think we can find the strength! i think we can make the change! i think if we take it day by day, we can mend up all the pain, i think if we try to change, we will be okay.

3/4/10 (reassurance)

it's hard, you know, when you're stuck at the bottom of a garbage bin and you know, it's hard, to get back up on your feet again but it's what you've got to do, just to make it through the night, just to wake up the next morning, and feel alright you've to go hold your head up high! you've got to be brave! you've got to know no matter what, it'll be okay! sometimes it's rough! i know sometimes it's tough! but as long as you fill your heart up with love it'll be okay! it'll be okay! it'll be okay! don't worry, it isn't safe! but don't ever go and change your ways! you've got to live your life the way that you want to live! you've got to give all the love that your heart can give! don't try to fool yourself! don't try to fool others! be honest, be kind, be happy that you're alive! and i promise you'll do fine! yeah, you'll be okay! you'll be okay!

3/2/10 (simple kinda boy)

you know i do what i can to travel across the land to see everything the world's got for me to live my life unplanned i'm just a simple-talking boy i ain't no riddle-weaving man and i do what i've got to do to try and make you understand i don't care for your luxury and i don't give a fuck about your money so long as i've got a song to sing, and all my friends and family i think i can be happy and when i die don't bury me in the ground i want to be lost in the trees, or out at sea i want to die and never be found i know some feel the same as me that the world's unkind, the world's unfair it's pretty fucking scary! but don't you worry! we're all in this together! see i'm just a simple-minded boy i'm no deceptive, manipulative man i've said all i can, i hope you understand, that that just isn't who i am

2,26.10 (this again)

i know that you're never coming back because i'm not him, and that's a fact i don't use words you need a dictionary for but i know that i've loved you so much more my writings are silly, childish scribbles but the heart held within's worth more than a riddle i didn't remind you of my love with each breath and sigh because i thought you could see it, in the blues in my eyes when you're in my sight, i'm nothing but smiles but you're not there, you've been gone quite a while i'd tell you i care, i'd tell you how i felt i'd tell you i love you, yellow roses on your steps but i know it's too late, i know that you're gone but i'm still weak to your game, a worthless pawn just a word from your lips, and i'm at your feet just a buzz from my phone and i leap from my seat it's pathetic, i know, i wish i could stop but i'm a fool, I KNOW, it'll be a while

2/26/10 (just a thought)

laying in the back of a pick-up truck not quite sober, but not quite drunk nothing but the moon and a star in the sky staring back at me, like a pair of eyes what would happen if we were in an accident? would i die on impact? or would i be pinned? would i burn up slow? would i die in a fire? or would my head be crushed beneath a tire? would my body do it's best to fly? or would i simply bleed out and die? would the blow be enough to shatter my skull? or would i just eject and take a tumble? so many ways to die, so many ways to live i feel like i've got so much more to give so i survive the night, i make it out alive to take my life for granted till the day i die but i ask myself why? why do this to ourselves? to forget some promise? to curse the cards we've been dealt? we've got to end the useless killing! we've got to be more hopeful and willing! To go on another day, to change our ways to wake up feeling like we can truly change and be happy

2/23/10 (it started as a song for someone i haven't met, then it turned into a song about her, so the first verse is for no one, but the second is)

i'm not asking you to change when i ask for you to stay i just want you to hear what to me seems so clear that you're everything i want you're so much more you're everything i spent my life hoping and wishing for so please just stay a while you don't have to say you're mine just stay here by my side you don't have to comfort me just let me hear you speak just let me see those eyes green like the trees outside and you can talk on through the day saying everything you've got to say but sebastian misses you not as much as i do and as hard as i try i can't help but write songs about you so please, just stay a little while i know that you aren't mine but at least i tried

2.21.10 (optimism (too much panda bear))

some days
i feel
better

someday
i will feel
more

i spend my time
trying
i try

some day
i will be
happy-er

 sometimes
i get a little
down

sometimes
i hope for
more

i get
a little
restless

i get
a little
tired 

when
i feel
sad

i try
my best
to hide

sometimes
it gets
so hard

but even
still
i try

sometimes
the time
just flies

sometimes
i get stuck
in the past

sometimes
the future
seems too bright

it gets a
little hard
to see

 i try my
best
to hope

to get through
another
long day

i try my best
to try to be as
happy as i say

2/17/10 (the way it was like)

misery is such
a fascinating thing
 it comes and it goes
to displease as it pleases

 it clouds your mind
with thoughts of the past
fears of the future
of love that won't last

exaltation,
curious too
bursting with smiles
when i'm sitting near you

the feelings you give
they come and they pass
 you are the rain
and i'm dying grass

 breathe to me life
breathe to me joy
i try to be charming
you're being very coy

but you settle my mind
you put my thoughts at ease
your voice is so sweet
i get cavities
stay with me now
because it's getting pretty cold
your smile is enough
to keep me warm

let's sit and talk
tell me all i can hear
it doesn't matter what
just keep speaking clear

i'm stuck in your wave
no i can't get away
i've been stuck in this trance
since our very first date

so let's just stay this way
 let's just be what we are
i'll ride this thing out
no matter how far
on your wave

1/15/10 (struggling)

is this what you wanted?
is it going the way you'd planned?
what did you expect?
to suddenly be a full grown man?
do you find life fulfilling
stuck in a routine?
do you find life fulfilling
not doing anything?
this feels like an ambush
i've set for myself
i'm torturing,
i'm terrorizing
i'm raising my own hell
nothing ever feels right
will i ever find a track
on which i can live happily
and be able to smile
looking back?

2.12.10 (in regards to november 22nd)

we drove two hours out into the cold we didn't talk much as you silently drove my feet on the dash i penned out some thoughts you asked what i was doing and i said writing before i forgot later on in the theater you pulled me close you kissed my cheek rested on my shoulder but once we left you grew cold again you walked ahead talked back with disdain we left prescott, drove back down the mountains at dark we sat silently just the light of the stars then at the bus stop you were dropping me off you said you needed space again you needed to learn to be alone but one month passed and you made no progress instead you found another boy to get him out of your head is it working? are you happy? i doubt it.

2.4.10 (stars)

january first
two thousand eleven
you looked to the stars
and cursed at the heavens
you said that the world was unkind
unlike you were told
you wanted a refund
paid upfront in gold
but the heavens replied
with dark clouds in the sky
and as rain fell on your face
you slowly began to cry
so i took you inside
and i gave you a beer
i said "take it easy,
don't cry another tear!
you're much too beautiful for that
and i know this as fact!
so dry off your face,
let's forget about this place!
and i'll surround you with love!"
but you stop me and say
"that just isn't enough."

2/4/10 (lights in the skies(love song for no one inspired by flight of the conchords))

the lights in your eyes shine like stars in the sky and i'm glad to be alive in this city tonight with you the summertime air it blows waves in your hair it may not be polite but i can not help but stare at your eyes and your smile we walk arm in arm on down the avenue we laugh with each step and cry out to the moon and the stars they're reflected in your eyes they shine like the city lights and there's no place i'd rather be tonight we sit in the park exchange smiles in the dark you lean onto my shoulder and tell more of who you are in the quiet night city the light towers emitting i sing you a song and you say that it's pretty to my delight and we kiss under the moonlight i swear, it's the most beautiful sight

1.15.10 (slightly hopeful)

we try and we try
to make use of what's inside
but we look towards the past
and lose sight of what we have
with so much to look down upon
so much we can frown upon
it's easy to feel we've failed
but there's still a sun in the sky
and there's still you and i
and there will always be much more
that's worth smiling for

12/13/09 (nervous/sorry/sad/mad)

chew my nails down to the bone because i know that i'm still alone and i am heading back to my home i'm heading back to the cold these are the days it never rains, but it pours far from you, far from where it's warm i want you back each day more and more but i know that's not what i've got in store i don't want to leave i want you here with me but i don't think that will ever be

12.01.09 (going home)

if i bury my heart
in the sand
will it sprout up
whole again
will it learn
again to love
if i water
it enough
if i buy fertilizer
from the nearest
drug store
will it be stronger?
will i feel more?
you've torn it apart
with your
contagious broken heart
but i don't
hold it against you
i know your intentions
really were true
and as january
slowly nears
it all becomes
kind of clear
while this has been
a wild ride
i have tried
and tried and tried
and so time
kind of slows
as my heart
grows and grows
and i really
miss the snow
i want to be cold

11/14/09 (taking it for granted)

the world is a beautiful, ugly place we're an ungrateful, greedy, selfish race we take our lives for granted we're a fucking disgrace! we've got all the time (in the world) to ruin our lives but we ruin each others instead we fuck and destroy our heads billions of dying hearts and even more being torn apart drunk driving fucks running out of luck today is the day we all die

10/15/09 (silly sad song about what was to come)

i am a tailor of the saddest kind because the things that i create will never be mine a life of leisure a love so true a family, a career and to sail the ocean blue my hopes and dreams i sew and weave my plots and schemes i stitch and conceive but to no avail i am doomed, i am cursed, i am fated to always fail so i keep on dredging on through the night and with each passing day i construct another plight another aspiration! cursed with misfortune! but you my dear, will be my biggest disappointment because you fooled me to think i could be loved when i couldn't i could have called this from the start, but i didn't