5.30.12 (truth)

restless indecision.

impulses,

escape.

i long for
the day
i see you
smile
once again,
because nothing,
not anything,
could make me
happier.

5.30.12 (ache)

words
can never
really describe
the change.
this sea
was calm
or a bit
stagnant
but you created
a wave
i cannot
escape.
the mere mention
of your name
creates
tidal waves
and it remains
fresh in my
memory.

5.30.12 (shipwrecked)

this ship
has sunk.
floating along
on debris,
i hope to find
that ship
that wrecked too
and i hope
to ride along
together
again.

5.29.12 (good morning sun)

good morning
sun.
good morning.
i am greeting you
with a heavy heart.
what hope has done;
what desire.
longing
and faith.
patience
has run away,
and i am scared
that you will too
my friend.

5.29.12 (florentino on the river)

florentino,
my friend,
i follow
your path.
i reserve myself
until some day,
but i do not know
when that day
shall come.
the river
was too sweet
and in parting
it was as
a knife.
florentino,
my friend,
i know
your anguish,
i know
your plight.
i too await the day,
i too
my friend.

5.29.12 (sun)

this scent
is familiar,
one i missed.
i had hoped
the best for this
the first time
and then things
were muddied.
now on impulse
on feeling
we move forward.
i am nervous,
but i have hope.

5.29.12 (summer)

late,
early,
another drink,
waiting for the
sun
again.
heartfelt,
heart.
strange words
for strange times.
feeling hope,
but feeling nervous.
so many months
to go
and already
the summer
feels like
summer.

5.28.12 (sunrise)

i watched
the sun
rise
as i lay
in bed.
glinting through
the window,
drifting off
i thought
of many,
longed for
some,
and dreamt
of one.

5.28.12 (nearly)

fully clothed
and very much so
dirty
lying in a bed
that was once mine,
sun peaking through
the window.
there are many things
i long for
but now
feels like it is nearly
enough.

5.28.12 (tears)

it's strange
but it has become
so much easier
for me to shed
tears
because i care less
of judgement
and i want to
really
feel.
so tears
stream
for all
and for
this
and it feels
like nothing
before.

5.28.12 (everything)

i had a dream,
that things
were different,
but only slightly.
i still missed
the same things,
i still woke up
feeling
the same longing,
the same hangover.
i fell asleep today,
for one moment,
and for one moment,
nothing was
everything.

5.27.12 (until next time)

leaving,
gone.
home,
but not.
elsewhere
seems nice,
but nothing
seems right.
all sorts of ideas
wandering round
but still things
seem to go down.
miles between
and people too
so many thoughts
still circle you.
mistakes? perhaps.
regret? debatable.
i am leaving soon
just because that.
i will miss you
more than words
but i hope you've seen
more than you could have heard.

5.27.12 (gone)

running,
and i feel
incapable
of writing
any more,
because
this was all
for you
and because of
you
and now
i'm more
interested
in nothing
than anything
else.

5.26.12 (refresh)

careful,
someone
might see.
that's sad.
i miss
a lot.
i don't
regret
much,
but
i miss
a lot,
and that
is much more
than before,
and it
hurts.

5.26.12 (break)

i do not like this.
i was so sure
that leaving would be
the ultimate cure.
longing, unsettled,
still very present.
feelings:persistent,
thoughts: intermittent,
get me away from here.
but i don't want to go,
and i don't want to stay,
so i spend my time
forgetting things
and losing my mind.
another drink,
to get away,
but my bed awaits,
while my thoughts
still run astray,
and i end up
in the same place.
this is a cycle,
a whirl of us,
my only way out
at the bottom of a flask.
but do not worry,
i am sure too,
this cannot last.

5.26.12 (dream)

in dreams
there is hope
there is terror
in the day
i am confounded
i am filled with
a longing.
in time
we will be
free.
in life we will
try to be.
in all of this
we will walk on
we continue to dream.

5.25.12 (hope less)

distance
is something
that has become
far too regular
in my life
of love.
you were one
of few,
but you were one
i never knew.
you gave me hope,
and that's a laugh,
you were so close,
yet never present.
i wanted
something to come
of the many nights
we spent,
but alas,
it is now,
and nothing remains.

5.25.12 (reflect)

in parting
it was disaster.
in joining
it was
a travesty.
or so they
may say.
i wanted
peace,
i felt
connection,
but warmth
and kind feelings,
are shared between
two,
and with three
things get muddied
and broken,
and what could have been,
cannot be.
and sadness still
stings.

5.25.12 (berry)

you have no idea
how much i miss you.
how much i wish
we could have been
more than a few months
between a few years.
i still wish
i could go back
to prevent the
events
that led you to ruin.
i wanted us
to flourish,
to bloom,
but instead
we careened
into nothing
and now we are
just that,
nothing.

5.25.12 (dead)

drowning in tears
and whiskey.
seeing images
through clouded
eyes
and i.
more drinks
aren't enough.
everyone
looks so
dead.
we are all
dying,
and we mostly
look that way,
but so many
act the part,
before they must.

5.25.12 (more escapism)

i've stopped
eating.
not to lose weight,
or because i think
i'm ugly.
i spend my money
on the things
that help me
through the terrors
of day to day:
the boredom,
the longing,
the loneliness.
these days drive on,
so long,
and still,
i think
of times
long gone
and times
still to come
and i want
another drink
because just one more
is never enough.

5.25.12 (madness)

i hate this.
these nights.
i have spent
countless nights
doing my best
to forget the content
of so many nights
passed,
but still,
it persists.
i will head home,
and i will head further,
but this will continue
to torment me,
unlike the others.
this is madness.
this is life.

5.25.12 (misunderstandings)

the countless reasons
for which i find
i cannot trust
another
seem to grow
daily
and yet
when others
fail to understand
i feel a frustration
unmatched.
somethings
so simple
so common
so courteous
ignored
with the slightest
wrong
or right.
i do not think
this way.
i wish to be
courteous
all the time,
because regardless
of character,
we are all still
human.

5.24.12 (return)

the wind
could not sound
as sweet
as your voice
even on
the clearest day
or the brightest night.
the sweetest fruit
could not taste as good
as the words that come
from the pit of your heart
and exhume your gloom.
i want to see
what you feel like
when you feel most free
when you feel truly happy.
i want to take you there
back to the place you once knew
back to the place where
you thought you could stay
where you thought you'd never return.
i want to take you there.

5.24.12 (inable)

tonight
is a nightmare.
i am awake,
and i am drunk,
and i was at a bar,
with many beautiful girls,
but i could not
speak to
the beautiful girl
that was placed in my
sight,
and i could not
speak to
the beautiful girl
i have placed in my
sight,
and instead
i return home
to an empty bed
and think
of an a
and a j
and an r
and an h
and more
and feel regret
and remorse
and wish
that longing
was a feeling
i was not acquainted with.
and suddenly
i wish to return
to that stupid
cold,
lonesome
bed
i have grown all too
accustomed to.

5.24.12 (hope)

more drinks
that harm
that hinder.
more drinks
that enable
the cinders.
the cinders of love
of hate
of hope.
the hope that
hope
is something
worth
hoping for.
that these times
spent,
passed,
wasted,
have not been
just because.
i really hope not.

5.24.12 (myth)

i was asked
if i believe
in the myth
of love
and i hated
my response
because it was
not one that i
chose
but one that
was forced unto
me.
it does exist,
albeit
unwillingly,
unfortunately,
fortunately,
and willingly.
tears will be shed,
hearts will be broken,
but hearts will be whole,
and so will two.

5.24.12 (ruin)

i have tried
tried to feel
that there was
wrong
in what was
felt,
but i
do not.
i do not
believe
we strayed,
but that we
followed
a path
spoken
and
chosen.
i believe
you felt
vulnerable
for one moment,
just that,
and let that
lead us
into this
ruin.

5.22.12 (bed)

in this bed
i am lost
somewhere
in between
a sentence
and
a sanctuary.
i am safe
from unwanted
feelings
but imprisoned
within my
thinking.
i do not wish
to leave,
but i must.

5.22.12 (400)

a lifetime
of regret.
a lifetime
of dreams.
a lifetime
of longing.
a lifetime
of mimicry.
a lifetime
of bullshit.
a lifetime
of being told what is right.
a lifetime
of right
and of
wrong.
a lifetime
of words
numbers
meanings
feelings.
a lifetime
of disagreements.
a lifetime
of living.

5.22.12 (clear moon)

sad
and
dissecting
my belongings.
trying to find
what is
and what
has been.
finding what
never was
and what will
be.
ridding oneself
of
past,
present;
future.
regret,
relived.
remorse,
relapsed.
redemption,
redistributed.
nothing feels
as if it did
before,
as if it ever
was supposed to.
i wanted so badly
to love her
or her, or her,
but she got in the way,
and so did she,
and so will she,
and i will continue
to be unable to love
those who i do not
and love
those who i cannot.

5.22.12 (hurt)

we
we are not
allowed
in
friendship
in
anything.
we
have been
banished
from being
you and i.
with some
strange,
skewed
sense,
it makes
sense,
but
no one
not a single
person
listened.
i suppose
we can only
accept
what we are
given
but this feels
so fake,
so unforgiven,
that i don't think
that i want to be
forgiven
or forgotten.
maybe,
just
maybe.

5.20.12 (illness)

illness
reaches
a fever pitch
then halts
and
creativity
feels less
present
and
motivation
continues
to come
and
to go.

5.20.12 (lack)

call it
lack of interest.
when some things
don't want to
function
anymore.
shutting down.
over
out.

5.20.12 (more)

mistakes
i guess
we made some.
the road,
more clear
than before,
leads in opposite
directions.
more time
to think
to try
to be.
more mistakes
to be made
and more time
to make up
for time lost.

5.19.12 (less)

less fitting in
more feeling sad.
less working to be different
and more being mad.
confused often
but still fun to be had.
with the company of these friends,
one can only be glad.
thankful for fortune
thankful for life
somedays are like gold
others cut deep like a knife.
a predictable poet,
a loveless heart.
a naive child,
a fool from the start.
juvenile at best,
the words that escape
forever muddled
and always late.
this is a shitty self-portrait,
a piece of garbage,
and i don't feel like
rhyming anymore.

5.16.12 (loved ones)

suddenly

everything

has come

together.
the idea
thought,
understood,
practiced,
but scorned
in senses.

one does not

require

company

to enjoy any

experience,

but it becomes

miles,

millions,

lightyears,

greater,

in the company

of those one

loves.

5.16.12 (peril)

i think
there are
few
that understand
the perils
of love.
many
can comprehend
its plight,
and its cost,
but few
experience it
or the pitfalls
with having
graced the surface
to be denied
that lightness.

5.16.12 (something i wrote earlier this month in my phone that i found tonight)

in situations
unsettling
muddled
with many
drinks.
confused,
anxious,
sore.
another night,
another dark
empty corner
to occupy.

5.15.12 (burn)

cleaning
dusty remnants.
packing
to take my leave.
the burn
of memories
present
in findings
beneath my
bed;
in an instant
it as if
hot coals
have been placed
inside my chest.

5.15.12 (blame)

disconnected.
distanced.
i can feel
the distrust
and discourse
still very present
in the relationships
i once knew.
friends
are more
acquaintances.
of course
i am to blame,
only i.
trust;
i betrayed
and now i
trust
none.

5.15.12 (bored)

stuck.
less will,
less resolve,
more lazy,
more hiding.
afraid to confront
how boring
the days have
become.

5.15.12 (going)

i'm going.
i'm going to leave this.
i'm going to leave you.
i'm going to take what is left
of what i cared about.
i'm going to the mountains.
i'm going to the rivers.
i'm going as far from myself as i can,
and i'm going to leave that too.
i'm going to be gone.
i'm going to be something else,
something more.
i'm going to be back,
but not too soon.

5.15.12 (running)

hiding.
longer hours
in this
cave.
wishing
time
to
stop.
another
hour
of dreams
of nightmares.
another hour
in this bed.
i tried
to sleep
the day
through,
but i kept
waking up
frightened.

5.13.12 (cold nites)

looking forward
and peering
inward.
more days
aloft,
adrift.
lost among
wayward thoughts,
but
collected
all the same.
familiar,
with this,
but unacquainted
with familiarity.
another mourning
another night.

5.12.12 (less)

is this
even worth
noting?
should we even
try
and make things
worthwhile?
another day,
naturally,
but i
feel
less.
i wish that
we had
one day less
for one day less
i cared.

5.12.12 (hell)

hell
is
day
to day.
hell
is this.
hell
is current
and past.
hell is
everywhere.
hell
is
us.

5.12.12 (haha)

distrust,
distaste.
i am guilty,
and so are
you.
this all
hurts.
this all
feels like
hell.
we have
built a castle
of twigs
only to watch it
wither
and fall
under the weight
of us all.

5.12.12 (negative)

i hate this.
the negativity
that flows
through everyone.
i hate
that i come
home
and
am disappointed
that i woke up.
these people
claim
to send out
positivity
but this all feels
damp
with
awful
energy
and i feel weak
under it's spell.

5.9.12 (scared)

the future
is scary.
strange,
it is just
what is to come,
not really
to relive the
terrors
of days past,
but to find
something
unseen before
and really
live.
that is
fear.
to live through
something
we have yet
to confront.
how scary
tomorrow
has become.

5.9.12 (for you)

i am
your accomplice.
i am
your advocate.
i want you
to succeed.
i want you
to be happy.
whether it is
relevant
to me
or not,
i want everything
for you.

5.6.12 (angels)

i don't want
to be nice
to everyone.
it doesn't
seem right.
it isn't a
matter
of being fair,
but more
of saving
what is good
for the few
friends
that are as
angels.

5.9.12 (slow + steady)

stressful days,
but not in
bad ways.
maybe a little.
i don't know.
i have a lot
to do
and a lot
to move.
i hope you
understand.
i'm trying.
i'm really
trying.
i don't even know
what that
means,
but i mean it.
i am going to
go.
i am going to
do
what i said
i would do.
i am going to find
the meaning
of this.
i don't expect it
to be pretty,
i don't expect it
to be lame,
but it will be something,
perhaps something
more,
or perhaps something
the same.

5.7.12 (tonight)

whiskey.
more
whiskey.
week night,
but still
more drinks.
fuzzy head,
clear mind.
another
whiskey.
nothing to do
so i'm doing nothing.
more
whiskey.
good day?
more
whiskey.
bad day?
more
whiskey.
tonight?
another
whiskey.

5.7.12 (i's)

i don't know
if you saw it
in my eyes;
the reluctant
obedience
to the wound.
if you did
then you know
i could never
discern you,
but if you didn't
then forget this all
and i'll have
another drink please.

5.7.12 (comedy)

i'm sure
the heavens
do jest
in filling
the wistful times
with eerie
and unsavory
coincidence.
those many moments:
reminders of
what we wish
to forget.

5.5.12 (tired)

i don't know,
i thought i could allow myself to write
freely
but i can't.
i feel the burn,
of someone else's fingernails,
on my throat,
and on the back of my neck.
it is strange;
i feel a familiar sting,
coupled with the unfamiliar stings
of familiar feelings.
heartache,
anguish,
exhaustion.
this is normal,
but it shouldn't be.

5.5.12 (reluctant)

i've never
wanted you
to feel
what i felt.
i've never
wanted
to have you
object
to the things
passing through
my periphery.
i can't say
that i objected
to you being
part of this,
but i am
forever aware
of what
you are not.

5.4.12 (hopefulless)

i can't help
that i am solemn.
i can't change
my somber demeanor.
it is the weariness
that preserves me
from the pangs and pains
of nostalgia
and love
or lack of.
it is the fuel
for my restless days;
the tasteless,
wretched moments
that carry me,
drifting,
day to day.
i carry my straight face:
reluctant,
serious,
hopeful.
i live forever
a contradiction
to the thoughts
teeming
within my brain.

5.4.12 (if i could)

if i could
i would forget
that i had ever
held grudges.
if i could
i would forget
the many thoughts
i knew to be impossible.
if i could
i would forget
the biases i have held
before, now, or ever.
if i could,
i would forget
the thoughts
that have condemned me
to this eternal solitude.

5.4.12 (everyman)

sadness
is nothing more
than a road
you take
on a path
of many roads
and of many
homes.
happiness will
come
and it will definitely
go,
but that is the point;
either you live
or you don't.

5.1.12 (days)

restless,
drifting
through the
days.
crushed
by the weight
of the
empty sky above.
an endless
array
of sounds
flood my ears
as i close
my eyes,
to relax,
to unwind,
to unravel.
the tethers
of earthly
feelings
deny a
clarity
i've sought
for a thousand
eternities
and continue
to seek
until
the end
of time.