emotion road

03.25.19 (present)

I watched my coffee

Overflow

As it poured from

The dispenser.

I had deleted all

Social media

From my phone.

I was trying to
Run away
From what I had seen:
Of love
For another.
I guess also

To be more

Present,

But I was

Miles away;

Trapped

In the slow moving

Consciousness

That is

Grief,

denial.

Where

Midmorning’s mundanity

Leads to feelings

Of regret,

And

Sadness

Creeps up like

A specter;

A reminder of

Devastating failure.

I thought that

By ridding myself

Of that cursed media

I would somehow

Not think of

you

as much

But alas,

Here I am:

Sitting at my desk

On the verge of

Tears.

03.23.19 (crippled)

How soon will this moon

Disappear from my sky

Or am I trapped in this feeling

This constant reeling

This back and forth

This diminishing self worth

It’s not that it’s just someone

It’s everything

It’s forever

It was just you, always you

And you can just wipe it away

As if six years are six months

As if I too did not suffer

As if I was the only selfish one

Every time you said I love you more

It hurt that much more to hear

Because I knew it could not be

How could we get so low

How could you give up on me

How did we get here

I remember solemn vows

Forever

I fear I will grow to hate it all

This pain is crippling

I had more dreams with you in them. One was good, one was sad. It kind of equalled out, but still I wake dreading your absence. In the first we were together in a large lecture hall and the only thing that seemed to matter to us was that we sat next to each other. In the other ran to each other’s arms and cried for a long while. We appeared to be sitting on a bed and I tried explaining my silence while you’ve been gone, but it just sounded all the more thoughtless to you. We cried harder and when I woke, tears were streaming down my face. Still, I have to admit that waking up crying is better than waking up thinking you’ll be lying next to me.

03.20.19 (it’s getting worse)

I had to look up the feeling

I’ve felt since you left

Feels like a lump in my throat

I wish you’d come home

I know I’m drinking too much

Hard not to distress

When every minutes a mile

Between our last glance

I cried the whole day

That you drove away

Felt every second divide

With each passing mile

Lost my mind

One day at a time

Distracted by guilt

I miss you still

All seems avoidable

Talk openly

‘One thing at a time’

Why was I so weak

I feel you letting go

Though I don’t really know

I should have said something first

Still it’s getting worse

3.20.19 (manic)

This pain is unlike others

I’ve felt many before

This loss feels different

A world remains shattered

Cry for hours

Feel no reprieve

Hundreds of letters

Lay still, torn to pieces

A union unsettled

Forced apart by my pain

Unable to speak it

These words still remain

See misguided phrases/feelings

Atop unfettered fear

Imagining all our sustenance

Slowly disappear

Move one step at a time

Still three steps two slow

I’m diving backwards

Still, forwards you grow

I try to remember

All the times I went wrong

I’m guilty I’m selfish

I’ve lost all I’d want

Words ring hollow

A forced friendship

You’re seeing someone new

And I’ll stay stuck in wait

Forever means forever

Or maybe for a while

I said what I meant

Irrelevant

There is a feeling

An emptiness unmatched

Try to dull the pain

Drink till I forget

03.19.19 (how soon)

Tired and boring

Drunk, mourning

Aimless and floating

Lost, unimportant

No second chances

Just stolen glances

Feel it sink in slow

You’ve lost the glow

Painful and reeling

Head in the ceiling

Fan was rolling

Nothing’s really golden

Aching pain

Swelling brain

Hangover tomorrow

Tough to swallow

Stuck in a roundabout

I need to close out

It’ll only start again

How soon till we reach the end

03.07.19 (nightmare)

I remember

Melatonin nightmares

Gasping breath, pulsing sweat.

Now I have nightmares

Where you’ve forgiven transgressions

And look at me

With tenderness

Those green eyes.

I wake up drenched in sweat,

And the nightmare only becomes

A nightmare

When the feeling of paralyzing

Emptiness returns.

I don’t think I could bring

my heart to love again

It’s far too painful for me to forget

Like your body burned itself

into the bends of mine

Your voice etched words

into mine

forever

02.26.19 (nerve)

I don’t physically write much anymore

It used to feel like this grand physical

Expulsion of demons plaguing me

Or of feelings too great to bear alone

The past two years I fear I’ve lost that

Acuteness

That sense of feeling that allowed the

Feelings to permeate

And escape through my fingertips.

As if the nerves in my body have become

Irreparably damaged

And I cannot even feel that which

I would like to be rid of,

And the fear of wholesale cleansing

Means losing the feelings I cherish as well.

It’s an irrational fear, sure,

But the lack of feeling, the lack of present,

Those are real,

And I’m unsure I’ll ever regain that feeling

Completely.

02.21.19 (phosphene)

Kept your picture on my wall

Didn’t look much at all

It stayed there far too long

You wouldn’t care what’s wrong

Spending hours frenzied and frantic

Always strung out, hopeless and manic

Every night you haunt my dreams

Every night I’m clenching my teeth

Wake up alone

This house is not a home

There is no reprieve

I hope you never leave

Dreams and desires can be torture

A lifetime spent regretting no closure

Forever is a four letter word

I don’t think I can say it the same again

Feel time peel it all away

I worry I’ll forget your voice

Or that the memories

Will all fade away

Spending hours frenzied and frantic

Always strung out and manic

Every night you haunt my dreams

And every night I’m clenching my teeth

Wake up alone

This house is not a home

There is no reprieve

I hope you never leave

Try to steal your gaze from afar

But even the smallest words feel forced

So many years are gone

I hope it’s not over

1.11.19 (I ate acid and cried for hours)

I dreamed of forever

The forever we envisioned

Of friends and flowers

Of sons and daughters

Of time forever

Spent together

But I guess sometimes