10/16/09 (ghostly prediction)

every night i dream of a ghost but like your love for me it comes and it goes i'm hopeless romantic my heart is quite frantic and it beats like a clock every tick and every tock and like a thinning cloud i disappear without a sound into the caverns of my mind i will forever hide and the gears in my heart turned slowly from the start i guess i should have known that my heart would never be whole that true love would not be found not before i'm underground and my soul will remain like a dirty blood stain no more of what i am but what i am not i'm the one you said you'd love, but just as easily forgot

10/13/09 (superficial blues)

the chemicals inside my brain are finally acting up again i knew it had been too long for me to continue feeling so damn happy but this hole really isn't that deep and i feel that there's still hope for me well maybe not, i mean who really knows because i know i don't, or at least suppose and you can trust me as far as a stones throw so i think it's best that i just go away but i'm slipping back into my old ways where i never really feel quite ok where the fluids swirling round my head tell me that i'd be much better off dead because i hate this place and everyone too and i'm pretty fucking sure that you all hate me too because this world is too concerned with what's cool no cares for another, they just want to look good you're no longer judged for what's inside your heart now we're all characterized by the cost of our cars are you beautiful? are you young? are you skinny? are you hung? are you tall? what size cup? are you dead? is there love? is there love?

10/10/09

i am defective i am a broken toy i'm a sad, sorry, sappy misplaced little boy twenty years i've grown twenty more i'll die i'll spend my time forgetting things i will lose my mind i'm a robot i'm a hate machine i've been taught to distrust and to dislike damn near every thing i'm a holy ghost i'm a miracle i'm the reason you smile when you awake and before you die i'm a hopeless fool a self-destructive lie it seems kind of funny now to know that i tried (to be the nice guy) i'm a fruitless tree i'm a harmless flea i'm the itch you can't scratch i'm everything you'll never be i'm every poem and fable i'm every story and tale i'm everything your parents told you you'd be i'm every time you fail i am forever but my time ends now because you heard all of this already but never quite how i am a child i am the dead i'm every terrible thought that's swirling around your troubled head i am me i am a dying breed i am the piece inside of you you'll forget eventually i am the dull silence i'm the endless noise i'm the thoughts and dreams, the hopes and schemes of every girl and boy i am an endless battle that will never be won because we can't kill ourselves we'll just be reborn i am love i will never end you can try to dismiss me but i'll never bend i am you i am me i am he, i am she i am everything

APRIL 07 (cannibal girl)

when i awoke my arms were tied my head hurt from the blow i thought i had died but then there she came right into the room and right then i knew that i'd be dead soon bloodlust in her eye it captivated me and as she opened a wound i started to bleed she sucked at my blood just to get a slight taste she stared into my eyes with a devilish gaze she slowly fed on my savory skin ripped through my flesh in a crazed human binge oh cannibal girl! i've fallen for thee but your hunger for flesh stops you from loving me though i love you so i know it can't be cause you feed on humans and now you're eating me although i am dead my heart does still beat but not for long cause soon you will eat with one final breath i managed some words: "enjoy your meal, my sweet cannibal girl" she'd severed my arms soon after my legs and what came next!? oh! she sawed off my head!

9/29/09 (long distance love)

this twelve point text across my screen is getting pretty bad for me my fluxuations in bravery have made it hard for me to breathe you brought me to this point, before i was angry promises of love not seen before, are haunting me the magnetism of my hearts confusing me the feeling i've been left with like my chest's sinking in i don't know where i'm supposed to go or who i'm supposed to talk to cause you change the way you feel so much i'm losing track and at this point all i want is to get my life back we playfully misspell words just to lighten the mood but it's darkening to the point where i can't see just which future it is that you have chosen for me it's really frightening that now you control me you mold and fold my insides to a small city (that never sleeps) you've got me on my toes, so scared i cannot eat "you're losing me" tonight i don't know where i'm supposed to go i have no one i can talk to you change the way you feel so much that i've lost track and now i know that i will never get my life back

9/25/09 ((the flood) phil elverum faker)

flooded and muddied clouded and buried washed up to the shore carried up from the floor this weight that's on my shoulders heavier than one thousand boulders it's bringing me back down sinking like an anchor it's getting colder and colder i'm growing more and more hollow i'm sinking back down it's killing me inside it's eating me alive the tide is pulling me under my body is frozen my mind is rotten and all that's left is my heart it's being slowly ripped apart by the flood

3/17-3/22/09 (stranger than stranger than fiction(love song to a stranger))

when i wake up in the morning
 and i see that it is pouring
i decide that is best
if i get a bit more rest

and so i rest my tired head
on my pillow in my bed
and when i look over at you
there's no way i could be blue

 because i'm melting when i've got you stuck inside my head
and i'm happy when i'm lying with you in my bed
you tangle and you twist up all of my insides
and i never ever want you to leave my side
i'd die

 and so i get up to start my day
when from your lips i hear you say
"my dear please don't be long,
i'm so very lonesome when you're gone"

and so i promise not to stay
when i go out along my way
but the second that i leave
you come right back to me

 because i'm melting when i've got you stuck inside my head
and i can't wait till i'm back next to you inside our bed
you've tangled and you've twisted all of my insides
and dear you make feel so very very quite alright

3/2/09 (poor and unhappy, arizona, spring 2009)

on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and these days go slow, just withering by the doldrums have come, and taken my life day after day, the quiet is long and night after night, the madness stretches on the weight of it all, it crushes me whole the tortures of life, and those good and ol' the thrill of it all, being on my own does not nearly make up for the growing hole the decline of my mind, the sinking of my soul is destroying my being, freezing my heart cold i'm on the run, from what i do not know but here i am, in this sorry hell for a home my roots are not deep, and soon i will leave so my heart doesn't rot, and finds some peace to the road i'll head, i'll feel all i can feel and so maybe some day, i'll finally be free i guess we'll see

9/21/08 (pt. I)

i left your world to join another but now i'm clouded, and torn asunder i feel i'm drifting on an endless sea and all i want is for you to like me but i don't think that you feel the same and it's worse cause i know i'm the one to blame so now my stomach's slowly sinking cause i never know just what you're thinking and i know i never really did but i want you to know i feel like shit and while you're miles away still having fun i'm laying here, just feeling stunned i buried myself in a grave full of loneliness, despair and hate because i blew it then, and i'm blowing it now oh! if there's a chance, please tell me how i know i'm stupid and kinda lame but i feel i've always been the same so please take it easy on my brain will you tell me you're tired of playing games because believe me girl, i'm tired too and all i want is to lie in bed with you or am i just another night inside your head just another body nestled in your bed i really hope that i am not cause if that's so, then i'll surely rot but i don't think you're that kind of girl but i don't really know, i think i'm gonna hurl... blech!

11/19/08 (pt. II)

sick, sick, i'm so sick i'm so sick of doing this this game we play is so one-sided you led me on, and up and died with it i won't call you, nor you for i cause you don't nearly care enough to try but who's to blame, i know it's all my fault i failed us once, and now we've come to a stall but now i've let you get inside of me and now it's all died out, rotten rotted tree so i'm stuck here, cursing my awful luck all the while you're out there, not giving a fuck but hey what do i care, it was all teen lust...