1.15.10 (slightly hopeful)

we try and we try
to make use of what's inside
but we look towards the past
and lose sight of what we have
with so much to look down upon
so much we can frown upon
it's easy to feel we've failed
but there's still a sun in the sky
and there's still you and i
and there will always be much more
that's worth smiling for

12/13/09 (nervous/sorry/sad/mad)

chew my nails down to the bone because i know that i'm still alone and i am heading back to my home i'm heading back to the cold these are the days it never rains, but it pours far from you, far from where it's warm i want you back each day more and more but i know that's not what i've got in store i don't want to leave i want you here with me but i don't think that will ever be

12.01.09 (going home)

if i bury my heart
in the sand
will it sprout up
whole again
will it learn
again to love
if i water
it enough
if i buy fertilizer
from the nearest
drug store
will it be stronger?
will i feel more?
you've torn it apart
with your
contagious broken heart
but i don't
hold it against you
i know your intentions
really were true
and as january
slowly nears
it all becomes
kind of clear
while this has been
a wild ride
i have tried
and tried and tried
and so time
kind of slows
as my heart
grows and grows
and i really
miss the snow
i want to be cold

11/14/09 (taking it for granted)

the world is a beautiful, ugly place we're an ungrateful, greedy, selfish race we take our lives for granted we're a fucking disgrace! we've got all the time (in the world) to ruin our lives but we ruin each others instead we fuck and destroy our heads billions of dying hearts and even more being torn apart drunk driving fucks running out of luck today is the day we all die

10/15/09 (silly sad song about what was to come)

i am a tailor of the saddest kind because the things that i create will never be mine a life of leisure a love so true a family, a career and to sail the ocean blue my hopes and dreams i sew and weave my plots and schemes i stitch and conceive but to no avail i am doomed, i am cursed, i am fated to always fail so i keep on dredging on through the night and with each passing day i construct another plight another aspiration! cursed with misfortune! but you my dear, will be my biggest disappointment because you fooled me to think i could be loved when i couldn't i could have called this from the start, but i didn't

10/16/09 (ghostly prediction)

every night i dream of a ghost but like your love for me it comes and it goes i'm hopeless romantic my heart is quite frantic and it beats like a clock every tick and every tock and like a thinning cloud i disappear without a sound into the caverns of my mind i will forever hide and the gears in my heart turned slowly from the start i guess i should have known that my heart would never be whole that true love would not be found not before i'm underground and my soul will remain like a dirty blood stain no more of what i am but what i am not i'm the one you said you'd love, but just as easily forgot

10/13/09 (superficial blues)

the chemicals inside my brain are finally acting up again i knew it had been too long for me to continue feeling so damn happy but this hole really isn't that deep and i feel that there's still hope for me well maybe not, i mean who really knows because i know i don't, or at least suppose and you can trust me as far as a stones throw so i think it's best that i just go away but i'm slipping back into my old ways where i never really feel quite ok where the fluids swirling round my head tell me that i'd be much better off dead because i hate this place and everyone too and i'm pretty fucking sure that you all hate me too because this world is too concerned with what's cool no cares for another, they just want to look good you're no longer judged for what's inside your heart now we're all characterized by the cost of our cars are you beautiful? are you young? are you skinny? are you hung? are you tall? what size cup? are you dead? is there love? is there love?

10/10/09

i am defective i am a broken toy i'm a sad, sorry, sappy misplaced little boy twenty years i've grown twenty more i'll die i'll spend my time forgetting things i will lose my mind i'm a robot i'm a hate machine i've been taught to distrust and to dislike damn near every thing i'm a holy ghost i'm a miracle i'm the reason you smile when you awake and before you die i'm a hopeless fool a self-destructive lie it seems kind of funny now to know that i tried (to be the nice guy) i'm a fruitless tree i'm a harmless flea i'm the itch you can't scratch i'm everything you'll never be i'm every poem and fable i'm every story and tale i'm everything your parents told you you'd be i'm every time you fail i am forever but my time ends now because you heard all of this already but never quite how i am a child i am the dead i'm every terrible thought that's swirling around your troubled head i am me i am a dying breed i am the piece inside of you you'll forget eventually i am the dull silence i'm the endless noise i'm the thoughts and dreams, the hopes and schemes of every girl and boy i am an endless battle that will never be won because we can't kill ourselves we'll just be reborn i am love i will never end you can try to dismiss me but i'll never bend i am you i am me i am he, i am she i am everything

APRIL 07 (cannibal girl)

when i awoke my arms were tied my head hurt from the blow i thought i had died but then there she came right into the room and right then i knew that i'd be dead soon bloodlust in her eye it captivated me and as she opened a wound i started to bleed she sucked at my blood just to get a slight taste she stared into my eyes with a devilish gaze she slowly fed on my savory skin ripped through my flesh in a crazed human binge oh cannibal girl! i've fallen for thee but your hunger for flesh stops you from loving me though i love you so i know it can't be cause you feed on humans and now you're eating me although i am dead my heart does still beat but not for long cause soon you will eat with one final breath i managed some words: "enjoy your meal, my sweet cannibal girl" she'd severed my arms soon after my legs and what came next!? oh! she sawed off my head!

9/29/09 (long distance love)

this twelve point text across my screen is getting pretty bad for me my fluxuations in bravery have made it hard for me to breathe you brought me to this point, before i was angry promises of love not seen before, are haunting me the magnetism of my hearts confusing me the feeling i've been left with like my chest's sinking in i don't know where i'm supposed to go or who i'm supposed to talk to cause you change the way you feel so much i'm losing track and at this point all i want is to get my life back we playfully misspell words just to lighten the mood but it's darkening to the point where i can't see just which future it is that you have chosen for me it's really frightening that now you control me you mold and fold my insides to a small city (that never sleeps) you've got me on my toes, so scared i cannot eat "you're losing me" tonight i don't know where i'm supposed to go i have no one i can talk to you change the way you feel so much that i've lost track and now i know that i will never get my life back