06.28.19 (tossing)

It’s strange to wake up having heart palpitations. To go from a serene state of rest into a groggy mess of racing heart and confusion. Messy feelings bubble to the surface and then there’s tossing and turning for a while before submission and waiting for it to slow down. Deep breaths take away some of it, but tends to linger a while. 

06.27.19 (12:15am)

I killed a fly

It left a black smudge

On the bathroom sink.

I felt bad for a 

Short while after.

I yawned a bit,

It just turned midnight,

Today is the 27th of June.

I feel as I expected I would

On your birthday.

I brushed my teeth too hard;

My bristles bent,

My gums bled.

That made me think of you more

I think I got that habit from you.

I’ll send you a text later,

But really it’s been saved on my phone

For at least a week,

And I've been wondering what to say

Even longer.

I doubt any conversation of substance 

Will arise, and you’ll continue on

Rebuilding with me in the dark

And you in your new life.

I try to feel some sort of resentment

Towards you, but I can’t,

And I just end up feeling guilty.

Most of the time I end up in a panic

Because I can’t forget you. 

There’s a lot that I could say

Or perhaps could have done

But that’s a time long gone

And I think I’m beginning to accept that

I’ll just be alone for a long while.

06.23.19 (gum)

Why do I bother

To think I cannot falter

Mistaken I sought her

I understand I am fodder

Feel it burn my skin

Cannot ever win

Gold doesn’t conceal sin

Dirt is dirt amen

Belong in the trash

Cancerous mass

Forgotten in the cold 

Rotten like the mold 

Nothing much to contribute 

Feel fickle, feel moot

Nothing to lose, just truth

I am the gum on the bottom of your shoe 

06.21.19 (between asleep and awake)

In dreams

I see the expanse of time

Laid out before me.

I look out over eternity.

I see time,

In its loop,

Shrivel and cower

Beneath the weight

Of 

Fragile memories.

Our forever is not

Forever. 

Nor shall it ever be.

Our existence 

Does not decrease,

But our bodies,

Our memories,

Wither,

Decay,

Become less functional.

Eventually this all becomes

Nothing.

Everything. 

But something continues.

In that nothingness.

I think perhaps

That eternal nothingness

Is where we all end and begin

Again.

“That’s where I’ll always love you.“

06.19.19 (sleep)

I got a full night

Of sleep

For the first time

In weeks

Yet I still feel

A hollowness

As mania creeps back.

There’s something I find

Distinctly unfulfilling

In an existence

Where you aren’t in it.

It feels like it’ll be this way

Forever,

But I never did believe in

Forever,

Least not till you

Convinced me.

It may just be

This way

For the foreseeable future,

Or maybe it will stay.

Still,

I think it’ll be

A very long time

Before I can let myself

Love again.

06.18.19 (run)

I can feel a sort of

Ebb and flow;

In the murmurs of

My heart.

It finds itself

And it tells itself

Run

Run

Faster now.

The past couple weeks

As I lay in bed

I hear it speaking.

I hear it telling itself

Run

Faster now.

I have lost 

many nights of sleep

And seen

Many sunrises

Because of this heart

And it’s desire to

Run. 

It may speak tonight even

And I may 

again watch the

Sunrise

tomorrow,

Through squinty 

sleep deprived eyes,

But I don’t think

I’ll shed any tears

Tonight.

06.17.19 (expulsion)

I really wish

I didn’t feel that this was 

Just simply 

Emotional masturbation.

The expulsion of 

Painful feelings

Through words

Only feels worthwhile 

If I think 

You might see

As if my remorse

Or my longing

Or my regret

Or even my pain itself

Only become valid

If you see.

I feel more and more

Pathetic 

As each day passes.

06.16.19 (forget)

There is a darkness

Inside my heart

That I find myself

Lost within

Often.

That bleakness

Clings to my skin

And I am unable to

Wash myself

Completely clean of it.

I dwell in this place

More often

Than I care to admit. 

I wish I could let go

I wish I could accept

And let the pain wash away

But I am petty

And the pain keeps you near.

Still, I can’t stop asking myself

Am I that easy to forget?

06.16.19 (actor)

Honesty and empathy 

Pain and entropy 

I want to stop pretending

But these words are a lot easier

Said

Than practiced.

I want to stop loving you

Because that feeling is not

Reciprocated

But I know these things

Do not work

In these ways.

I hate that I’m still hurt 

That you could start dating someone

So quickly.

It seems so silly

To cling in this way.

I hate that I can barely feel at all.

I cared a lot more than I’ve shown

In all the ways I wish I could express.

I have failed in many ways 

To portray the

Love

Pain

Feeling.

I am not a good actor.

Perhaps I’ll learn.

06.14.19 (thoughts on Armageddon)

 I hate thinking that if I’m to die right now your’s is the first face I’d see and the first voice I’d hear contemplating my fate. I hate thinking that if I were in an elevator plummeting down I’d think of the time I spent with you. I hate that I think that if I were in a plane diving towards the earth I’d think of you and how much I’d like to yell I love you. I hate that if someone were to try and take my life, I’d likely go willingly knowing it’s a life without you. I know it’s all pain but I know it’s real, you no longer love me in any romantic way, just feel guilty. My heart shatters, but maybe someday we’ll be friends. Remember that tarot you got, said we’d be close in our thirties? Not sure I’ll make it that far. Worth a shot though. 

06.13.19 (hair)

You were the last

To cut my hair

So I will grow it

Till I no longer care

It may reach my feet

Before I can bare

To part with the last connection

Keeping you there.

06.13.19 (futile gestures)

Are the gestures I thought 

Romantic

Actually exercises in 

Futility?

Are they the foul remains

Of pathetic obsession?

Of unwilling obsolescence?

I can not let go

Of the small glimmers of

Heaven I glanced upon

I can not return

To the depths of 

Hell I crawled from

So I cling to silly gestures

Because they’re the only things

That bind us

Still.

I have not learned from the past

And I’m unsure if I will

A fool is always a fool

If mistakes remain repeated

And pain remains untreated

And the spiral remains unbroken

And so on.

06.12.19 (unclear)

Melatonin

Benadryl

Unisom 

Chamomile

Lay in bed

Insomniac still

But panic fades

With sedative

Stare up at night

It’s hard to feel

Nothing is right

Nothing is real

Illusion clouds

My sorry brain

Feel out of touch

Lost in pain

Can not recall

Meaning something

Every ribbon

I have saved

Won them for you

Perhaps in vain

I thought I was a knight

But I was passing rain

Separation is hard

Desperation is here

All that I’ve loved

I now fear

Sorrow will fade

Till then fall tears

To lose is human

To accept is weird

Love is joy and/or pain

My thoughts remain unclear

06.12.19 (sight/smell)

I miss the sound of you 

getting ready for work in the morning

And I miss the sound when you’re too 

Tired to leave the couch and you’re snoring

I miss the smell of your hair

Lying in bed piled up in my face

And I miss the smell

Of your gentle embrace

I know you had to

You had to walk away

Because I drove you

Far away I drove you insane

I miss the sound

Of your voice when you laugh

And I miss the sound

Of your car pulling up in the grass

I miss the smell

Of your lips pressed on mine fast

And I miss the smell

Of your shirt when we hugged last

I know you had to

You had to walk away

Because I drove you

Far away I drove you insane

It hurts real bad

I’m sorry I caused you any pain

It’s hard to stomach

Oh how I wish that you had stayed

06.12.19 (wait)

Adoration is a fool’s errand

Hero worship is indoctrination

Personality occultation

Individual annihilation

Forgotten words and faces 

Feelings are made to be misplaced

An everclouded neverending haze

Lost in lust, satin and lace

A hunger I can never satiate

Everything dies, same shared fate

Every misstep is a boilerplate 

This feeling I can not escape

Locked outside of heavens gate

For you, forever, I will wait

06.11.2019 (lose)

Daily panic attacks

Have made functioning 

Very difficult. 

Losing sleep

Every night

And the panic continues

Throughout the day.

I don’t know where

Or why

This has come to be

But it is slowly

Consuming me

And if it doesn’t 

Leave soon

I might

Completely 

Lose my mind.

06.10.2019 (blackened)

This curse that grips me

Tightens my chest to bursting

No respite from its grip

Still that isn’t the worst thing

This plague of sadness grows

Losing sleep every night

Writhing in pain and panic

Anger swells at dawn’s light

An emptiness of meaning

Menial thoughts cloud my mind

Hard to breathe through the lump

Hard to blink and not cry

A blackened scourge

Fills my lungs

Where you once were

A dying sun

A lack of passion in living

Drawn all over my insides

Lost the lightness long ago

Waking up, torture is all I find

06.09.2019 (burn)

There’s a specific loneliness

In the hole you’ve left behind

Not unlike what was felt before

But it haunts the corners of my mind

I felt it before you left

And ran away for a while

Which was the worst I could have done

Never again see you smile

That year was torture

For me and for you

Facing away in bed at night

Cry until you leave for good

The whirlwind of emotions

Has lingered longer than I’ve known

Marinate in saddened regrets

The fault is all my own

I wish I could say something

That would make it less painful

But I fear you only remember

Things that make you feel disdainful

I’m just talking in circles

I’ve still got much to learn

I’ll try and make it worth it

To suffer through this burn

06.05.2019 (Regarding a nightmare had on the eve of June 2nd 2019)

I had a nightmare

The other day

Where you loved me

Then you didn’t

Then you got sick

But I couldn’t see you

Once you were sick

And then you were gone. 

The pain lingered

When I awoke

And as tears filled my eyes

And my chest tightened,

I descended into

Mania,

Panic. 

I spent hours in bed

And then hours

On the couch

Incapable 

Of leaving the house

Incapable

Of shaking the profound

Sadness

And fear

I felt in that dream. 

The pain cut through

the core of my chest.

It seems almost

Silly

To have something

Contained within me

In a dream

Have such a painful

Reverberation

Especially because

It was about

You

And I don’t think

You even thought of me

Once

While I writhed in bed

Paralyzed by that

Nightmare. 

06.03.19 (lost)

Feel lost in feeling 

I think I realise the truth

Either im a stranger

Or just someone you once knew 

It’s not like I did it to spite you

It never played out that way

Always wanted to be right there

Your face the first when I wake

It’s all a wash

I messed it up early on

Lost track of all meaning

That’s why you’re gone

Feel lost In feeling 

Probably feel removed 

I’d say it if I was sure 

But all I’ve got is to lose

Isn’t much I can say now

I want to know you’re ok

Struggle just to function

Think of you every day

Can’t move on

Feel the same

You’re in my head

You’re in my way

We played our parts

We played the game

I can’t forget the times

I felt awake

This isn’t right

This isn’t me

Feel lost in feeling

Can’t feel anything

You were my heart

And now it is nothing

06.01.19 (friend)

I still love you

And it hurts so much

To lose track of feeling

To fall out of touch 

I thought I showed it

But I lost my way

Long ago I faltered

Never feel the same

I wish I could heal it

Take away your pain

I know I caused it

I wear the shame 

I still love you

I just want you to know

Think of you always 

Know we’ve still got to grow

Thought I could be there

I thought I was equipped 

But things got flustering

And then I slipped

Put myself in a corner

I pushed you away

Closed myself off to the world

Somehow thought you’d stay

I still love you 

Until the end

It’s hard to bother you

But I miss my friend