03.21.19 (two dreams)

I had more dreams with you in them. One was good, one was sad. It kind of equalled out, but still I wake dreading your absence. In the first we were together in a large lecture hall and the only thing that seemed to matter to us was that we sat next to each other. In the other ran to each other’s arms and cried for a long while. We appeared to be sitting on a bed and I tried explaining my silence while you’ve been gone, but it just sounded all the more thoughtless to you. We cried harder and when I woke, tears were streaming down my face. Still, I have to admit that waking up crying is better than waking up thinking you’ll be lying next to me.

03.20.19 (it’s getting worse)

I had to look up the feeling

I’ve felt since you left

Feels like a lump in my throat 

I wish you’d come home

I know I’m drinking too much

Hard not to distress

When every minutes a mile

Between our last glance 

I cried the whole day

That you drove away

Felt every second divide

With each passing mile

Lost my mind 

One day at a time

Distracted by guilt

I miss you still

All seems avoidable 

Talk openly

‘One thing at a time’

Why was I so weak 

I feel you letting go

Though I don’t really know

I should have said something first 

Still it’s getting worse

3.20.19 (manic)

This pain is unlike others

I’ve felt many before

This loss feels different

A world remains shattered

Cry for hours

Feel no reprieve

Hundreds of letters

Lay still, torn to pieces

A union unsettled

Forced apart by my pain

Unable to speak it

These words still remain

See misguided phrases/feelings

Atop unfettered fear

Imagining all our sustenance  

Slowly disappear 

Move one step at a time

Still three steps two slow

I’m diving backwards 

Still, forwards you grow 

I try to remember 

All the times I went wrong

I’m guilty I’m selfish 

I’ve lost all I’d want

Words ring hollow

A forced friendship

You’re seeing someone new

And I’ll stay stuck in wait

Forever means forever

Or maybe for a while

I said what I meant

Irrelevant 

There is a feeling

An emptiness unmatched

Try to dull the pain

Drink till I forget 

 

03.19.19 (how soon)

Tired and boring 

Drunk, mourning

Aimless and floating

Lost, unimportant

No second chances

Just stolen glances

Feel it sink in slow

You’ve lost the glow

Painful and reeling

Head in the ceiling

Fan was rolling

Nothing’s really golden

Aching pain

Swelling brain

Hangover tomorrow

Tough to swallow

Stuck in a roundabout

I need to close out

It’ll only start again

How soon till we reach the end

03.07.19 (nightmare)

I remember 

Melatonin nightmares

Gasping breath, pulsing sweat.

Now I have nightmares

Where you’ve forgiven transgressions 

And look at me

With tenderness

Those green eyes. 

I wake up drenched in sweat,

And the nightmare only becomes

A nightmare

When the feeling of paralyzing

Emptiness returns.

I don’t think I could bring 

my heart to love again

It’s far too painful for me to forget

Like your body burned itself 

into the bends of mine

Your voice etched words 

into mine

forever

02.26.19 (nerve)

I don’t physically write much anymore

It used to feel like this grand physical

Expulsion of demons plaguing me

Or of feelings too great to bear alone

The past two years I fear I’ve lost that

Acuteness

That sense of feeling that allowed the

Feelings to permeate

And escape through my fingertips.

As if the nerves in my body have become

Irreparably damaged

And I cannot even feel that which 

I would like to be rid of,

And the fear of wholesale cleansing

Means losing the feelings I cherish as well. 

It’s an irrational fear, sure, 

But the lack of feeling, the lack of present,

Those are real, 

And I’m unsure I’ll ever regain that feeling

Completely.

02.21.19 (phosphene)

Kept your picture on my wall

Didn’t look much at all

It stayed there far too long 

You wouldn’t care what’s wrong

Spending hours frenzied and frantic

Always strung out, hopeless and manic

Every night you haunt my dreams 

Every night I’m clenching my teeth

Wake up alone 

This house is not a home

There is no reprieve 

I hope you never leave

Dreams and desires can be torture

A lifetime spent regretting no closure

Forever is a four letter word

I don’t think I can say it the same again

Feel time peel it all away

I worry I’ll forget your voice 

Or that the memories 

Will all fade away

Spending hours frenzied and frantic

Always strung out and manic

Every night you haunt my dreams

And every night I’m clenching my teeth

Wake up alone 

This house is not a home

There is no reprieve 

I hope you never leave

Try to steal your gaze from afar

But even the smallest words feel forced

So many years are gone

I hope it’s not over

1.11.19 (I ate acid and cried for hours)

I dreamed of forever

The forever we envisioned 

Of friends and flowers 

Of sons and daughters 

Of time forever

Spent together

But I guess sometimes

Forever

Doesn’t mean forever

10.29.18 (stream of nothingness)

I’d say the last six months have been tumultuous but that word seems light for accurate description 

It’s hard to say how it feels when you’ve spent the last five and a half years with someone nearly everyday and you can’t get them to return your phone calls. 

I guess I don’t have room to talk because I haven’t called that much but when the result of any attempt at communication is often silence can you blame me? I can’t blame you, because I have done that too, but we’re both complicit.

I suppose I regret a lot of how I internalized this in the days leading to your departure, and I shouldn’t have been so neglectful on those trips, but you would hardly look at me, let alone hug me or kiss me, and I felt abandoned and hurt and when you didn’t even want to spend our last night together talking, it pushed the knife in deeper. 

I think a lot about how this came on slowly and how a lot of it was just us being reactionary toward each other, but that thought seems moot now that you’re gone. 

I wish you’d pick up the phone and think of calling me once in a while, not because I’m being selfish or something like that, but it’s hard to not worry about a best friend.

Speaking of best friend, it’s a little fucked up that I can hardly get a text back from you, I can’t help feeling angry that our friendship has disintegrated to this. 

I know you’re busy, and maybe that statements a little selfish, but I worry, and want you happy and healthy. 

I said it to a bunch of my friends but it felt like I lost a limb when you left, and the reverberations of the phantom pain left in your absence echo in my heart to my very core. 

I couldn’t speak this candidly in person, cause you’d cry and I’d feel nearly as bad as I do now for making you cry. 

I don’t think that I’ll get over any of this, but it is pain, and it will be a part of me for a long time. 

10.10.18 (greens gone grey)

Feeling pretty frail
Emotions run amok
Can’t feel much at all
Except the stillness of being stuck

Thought I’d felt pain palpable
Nothing compares incalculable
Slow death sucked from my bones
Sit up in bed all night alone

Far from a time
I could see love in your eyes
Greens gone grey
Since you’ve went away

Thinkin a lot about time
Am I stuck repeating
Put on a mask of strength
Drink another drink and

No time to feel lost
Not time to feel let down
Love doesn’t mean forever
Forever doesn’t feel like much now

Far from a time
I could see love in your eyes
Keeping your touch away
Never meant to make you cry
Greens gone grey
Since you’ve went away
Now that you’re gone
I don’t know anything