06.19.19 (sleep)

I got a full night

Of sleep

For the first time

In weeks

Yet I still feel

A hollowness

As mania creeps back.

There’s something I find

Distinctly unfulfilling

In an existence

Where you aren’t in it.

It feels like it’ll be this way

Forever,

But I never did believe in

Forever,

Least not till you

Convinced me.

It may just be

This way

For the foreseeable future,

Or maybe it will stay.

Still,

I think it’ll be

A very long time

Before I can let myself

Love again.

06.18.19 (run)

I can feel a sort of

Ebb and flow;

In the murmurs of

My heart.

It finds itself

And it tells itself

Run

Run

Faster now.

The past couple weeks

As I lay in bed

I hear it speaking.

I hear it telling itself

Run

Faster now.

I have lost 

many nights of sleep

And seen

Many sunrises

Because of this heart

And it’s desire to

Run. 

It may speak tonight even

And I may 

again watch the

Sunrise

tomorrow,

Through squinty 

sleep deprived eyes,

But I don’t think

I’ll shed any tears

Tonight.

06.17.19 (expulsion)

I really wish

I didn’t feel that this was 

Just simply 

Emotional masturbation.

The expulsion of 

Painful feelings

Through words

Only feels worthwhile 

If I think 

You might see

As if my remorse

Or my longing

Or my regret

Or even my pain itself

Only become valid

If you see.

I feel more and more

Pathetic 

As each day passes.

06.16.19 (forget)

There is a darkness

Inside my heart

That I find myself

Lost within

Often.

That bleakness

Clings to my skin

And I am unable to

Wash myself

Completely clean of it.

I dwell in this place

More often

Than I care to admit. 

I wish I could let go

I wish I could accept

And let the pain wash away

But I am petty

And the pain keeps you near.

Still, I can’t stop asking myself

Am I that easy to forget?

06.16.19 (actor)

Honesty and empathy 

Pain and entropy 

I want to stop pretending

But these words are a lot easier

Said

Than practiced.

I want to stop loving you

Because that feeling is not

Reciprocated

But I know these things

Do not work

In these ways.

I hate that I’m still hurt 

That you could start dating someone

So quickly.

It seems so silly

To cling in this way.

I hate that I can barely feel at all.

I cared a lot more than I’ve shown

In all the ways I wish I could express.

I have failed in many ways 

To portray the

Love

Pain

Feeling.

I am not a good actor.

Perhaps I’ll learn.

06.14.19 (thoughts on Armageddon)

 I hate thinking that if I’m to die right now your’s is the first face I’d see and the first voice I’d hear contemplating my fate. I hate thinking that if I were in an elevator plummeting down I’d think of the time I spent with you. I hate that I think that if I were in a plane diving towards the earth I’d think of you and how much I’d like to yell I love you. I hate that if someone were to try and take my life, I’d likely go willingly knowing it’s a life without you. I know it’s all pain but I know it’s real, you no longer love me in any romantic way, just feel guilty. My heart shatters, but maybe someday we’ll be friends. Remember that tarot you got, said we’d be close in our thirties? Not sure I’ll make it that far. Worth a shot though. 

06.13.19 (hair)

You were the last

To cut my hair

So I will grow it

Till I no longer care

It may reach my feet

Before I can bare

To part with the last connection

Keeping you there.

06.13.19 (futile gestures)

Are the gestures I thought 

Romantic

Actually exercises in 

Futility?

Are they the foul remains

Of pathetic obsession?

Of unwilling obsolescence?

I can not let go

Of the small glimmers of

Heaven I glanced upon

I can not return

To the depths of 

Hell I crawled from

So I cling to silly gestures

Because they’re the only things

That bind us

Still.

I have not learned from the past

And I’m unsure if I will

A fool is always a fool

If mistakes remain repeated

And pain remains untreated

And the spiral remains unbroken

And so on.

06.12.19 (unclear)

Melatonin

Benadryl

Unisom 

Chamomile

Lay in bed

Insomniac still

But panic fades

With sedative

Stare up at night

It’s hard to feel

Nothing is right

Nothing is real

Illusion clouds

My sorry brain

Feel out of touch

Lost in pain

Can not recall

Meaning something

Every ribbon

I have saved

Won them for you

Perhaps in vain

I thought I was a knight

But I was passing rain

Separation is hard

Desperation is here

All that I’ve loved

I now fear

Sorrow will fade

Till then fall tears

To lose is human

To accept is weird

Love is joy and/or pain

My thoughts remain unclear

06.12.19 (sight/smell)

I miss the sound of you 

getting ready for work in the morning

And I miss the sound when you’re too 

Tired to leave the couch and you’re snoring

I miss the smell of your hair

Lying in bed piled up in my face

And I miss the smell

Of your gentle embrace

I know you had to

You had to walk away

Because I drove you

Far away I drove you insane

I miss the sound

Of your voice when you laugh

And I miss the sound

Of your car pulling up in the grass

I miss the smell

Of your lips pressed on mine fast

And I miss the smell

Of your shirt when we hugged last

I know you had to

You had to walk away

Because I drove you

Far away I drove you insane

It hurts real bad

I’m sorry I caused you any pain

It’s hard to stomach

Oh how I wish that you had stayed