06.28.19 (tossing)

It’s strange to wake up having heart palpitations. To go from a serene state of rest into a groggy mess of racing heart and confusion. Messy feelings bubble to the surface and then there’s tossing and turning for a while before submission and waiting for it to slow down. Deep breaths take away some of it, but tends to linger a while. 

06.27.19 (12:15am)

I killed a fly

It left a black smudge

On the bathroom sink.

I felt bad for a 

Short while after.

I yawned a bit,

It just turned midnight,

Today is the 27th of June.

I feel as I expected I would

On your birthday.

I brushed my teeth too hard;

My bristles bent,

My gums bled.

That made me think of you more

I think I got that habit from you.

I’ll send you a text later,

But really it’s been saved on my phone

For at least a week,

And I've been wondering what to say

Even longer.

I doubt any conversation of substance 

Will arise, and you’ll continue on

Rebuilding with me in the dark

And you in your new life.

I try to feel some sort of resentment

Towards you, but I can’t,

And I just end up feeling guilty.

Most of the time I end up in a panic

Because I can’t forget you. 

There’s a lot that I could say

Or perhaps could have done

But that’s a time long gone

And I think I’m beginning to accept that

I’ll just be alone for a long while.

06.23.19 (gum)

Why do I bother

To think I cannot falter

Mistaken I sought her

I understand I am fodder

Feel it burn my skin

Cannot ever win

Gold doesn’t conceal sin

Dirt is dirt amen

Belong in the trash

Cancerous mass

Forgotten in the cold 

Rotten like the mold 

Nothing much to contribute 

Feel fickle, feel moot

Nothing to lose, just truth

I am the gum on the bottom of your shoe 

06.21.19 (between asleep and awake)

In dreams

I see the expanse of time

Laid out before me.

I look out over eternity.

I see time,

In its loop,

Shrivel and cower

Beneath the weight

Of 

Fragile memories.

Our forever is not

Forever. 

Nor shall it ever be.

Our existence 

Does not decrease,

But our bodies,

Our memories,

Wither,

Decay,

Become less functional.

Eventually this all becomes

Nothing.

Everything. 

But something continues.

In that nothingness.

I think perhaps

That eternal nothingness

Is where we all end and begin

Again.

“That’s where I’ll always love you.“

06.19.19 (sleep)

I got a full night

Of sleep

For the first time

In weeks

Yet I still feel

A hollowness

As mania creeps back.

There’s something I find

Distinctly unfulfilling

In an existence

Where you aren’t in it.

It feels like it’ll be this way

Forever,

But I never did believe in

Forever,

Least not till you

Convinced me.

It may just be

This way

For the foreseeable future,

Or maybe it will stay.

Still,

I think it’ll be

A very long time

Before I can let myself

Love again.

06.18.19 (run)

I can feel a sort of

Ebb and flow;

In the murmurs of

My heart.

It finds itself

And it tells itself

Run

Run

Faster now.

The past couple weeks

As I lay in bed

I hear it speaking.

I hear it telling itself

Run

Faster now.

I have lost 

many nights of sleep

And seen

Many sunrises

Because of this heart

And it’s desire to

Run. 

It may speak tonight even

And I may 

again watch the

Sunrise

tomorrow,

Through squinty 

sleep deprived eyes,

But I don’t think

I’ll shed any tears

Tonight.

06.17.19 (expulsion)

I really wish

I didn’t feel that this was 

Just simply 

Emotional masturbation.

The expulsion of 

Painful feelings

Through words

Only feels worthwhile 

If I think 

You might see

As if my remorse

Or my longing

Or my regret

Or even my pain itself

Only become valid

If you see.

I feel more and more

Pathetic 

As each day passes.

06.16.19 (forget)

There is a darkness

Inside my heart

That I find myself

Lost within

Often.

That bleakness

Clings to my skin

And I am unable to

Wash myself

Completely clean of it.

I dwell in this place

More often

Than I care to admit. 

I wish I could let go

I wish I could accept

And let the pain wash away

But I am petty

And the pain keeps you near.

Still, I can’t stop asking myself

Am I that easy to forget?

06.16.19 (actor)

Honesty and empathy 

Pain and entropy 

I want to stop pretending

But these words are a lot easier

Said

Than practiced.

I want to stop loving you

Because that feeling is not

Reciprocated

But I know these things

Do not work

In these ways.

I hate that I’m still hurt 

That you could start dating someone

So quickly.

It seems so silly

To cling in this way.

I hate that I can barely feel at all.

I cared a lot more than I’ve shown

In all the ways I wish I could express.

I have failed in many ways 

To portray the

Love

Pain

Feeling.

I am not a good actor.

Perhaps I’ll learn.

06.14.19 (thoughts on Armageddon)

 I hate thinking that if I’m to die right now your’s is the first face I’d see and the first voice I’d hear contemplating my fate. I hate thinking that if I were in an elevator plummeting down I’d think of the time I spent with you. I hate that I think that if I were in a plane diving towards the earth I’d think of you and how much I’d like to yell I love you. I hate that if someone were to try and take my life, I’d likely go willingly knowing it’s a life without you. I know it’s all pain but I know it’s real, you no longer love me in any romantic way, just feel guilty. My heart shatters, but maybe someday we’ll be friends. Remember that tarot you got, said we’d be close in our thirties? Not sure I’ll make it that far. Worth a shot though.