04.30.19 (trouble)

It’s funny for me to think of how we dealt with separation. I was still losing my mind, yours was lost. You got a fresh start, while mine went deeper. I admit I couldn’t help when I needed to, but at least I didn’t give up on you. I waited when you left, for signals in the sand. Maybe something to say you still believed in me. But no words came and you scorned when I worried, never thought you could give up on me. 

Now friends seems forced, feels more like a burden. I never asked for this, but it’s what’s been given. You moved on, didn’t mean what was written. The only future I saw was one where we were together in it. 

Disorder is normal but somehow this is different. I think of you often, I think often of division. Life will pick up, the divide will thicken. Life it goes on, but it’s no good if you’re not in it.

Maybe I’m kiddin, I don’t know what to say. Didn’t know where life’d lead, but I didn’t think it’d be this way. Trouble is a lonesome town, boy am I lonely. Guess I’ll go to sleep, wake up, try it again. 

04.30.19 (forgotten)

Couldn’t believe

You’d forgotten me

So easily

Start over free

You’re born anew

But I’m the same

I’m miserable

You've given names

I never stopped loving you

Distracted, misguided

I know much the blame is mine

But this game we play, has two

So pain I live

Emptiness, no refrain

Caught in a loop

Every day, only pain

Try my best to erase

Still think of all we been through

Forget, forgive, forgotten

But still I can’t erase you

You linger here, till I sleep

Memories still haunt me

A plague of innocence 

Not easily forgotten 

04.23.19 (trust)

I don’t ever want to trust

In that way again.

To say the words 

Forever

Should mean more.

Or perhaps nothing

At all. 

I had said

I didn’t believe in it.

That changed.

Now I can’t stop thinking about

Those words.

Love is cruel

In that we destroy

Parts of ourselves

To become one

With another.

This destruction feels

As if it were a

Cheap illusion. 

I don’t think I will

Trust

In that way again.

04.22.19 (limits)

I know the true depths

Of your heart

Now. 

Of the limits of your

Compassion,

Of the end of your

Empathy.

Seeing how quickly

Best friends

And

Forever

Become nothing more

Than words uttered

In a past life.

I know the depths,

And I do not like

What I have learned.

I have begun to resent you

And all that once was

And I do not like that.

What misery it is

To fall so ungracefully.

04.13.2019 (3:49am)

I don’t think I’ll need to ask you 

But I know I’ll have to:

‘Do you love him?’ 

But I already know the answer

Because I can feel it,

Right now.

I can physically feel it 

in my heart.

I feel the tearing,

The burning.

I have feigned many things.

Bravery.

Courage.

This,

This is a category of it’s own. 

I have wanted to cry

For the past few days

But the tears would not well. 

Tonight I had to fight them.

I did not win. 

04.16.2019 (no stranger)

Sticky brain
No stranger to pain

Down the drain

I think I’m going insane

Like tears in rain

Memory stain

Say it plain

Never again

04.18.2019 (hammer)

Cruelty

Disillusion me

Drink till you forget

No more anything

Wake up 

Hammers to your temples

Love is gone

Hammers to those temples

04.16.19 (memory)

Parting is such sorrow

I can feel rivers streaming

The wells overflow remembering

Feel it still when I’m dreaming

When I said forever

You didn’t believe me

Here we are now miles apart

You gone but I still feel it

I try to remember

The feelings you sent

All of this is a mess

I desperately want to forget 

All the things that I did

Can’t bear to live with any of it 

Neverending cycle of defeat

Ignorance is bliss

I don’t 

Wanna be friends

I can’t 

Accept it’s the end

Will you

Start to forget me

Will I be

Nothing more than a memory

Moved on from what was once

Do you still love me more?

You shouldn’t say such things

when you are not sure

Forever is a four letter word

Forever is watching you turn the corner

Can’t say that I’ll forgive

Myself for any of this hurt

Pure once when we started

Tenderness seemed a virtue

Clouded vision damages everything

Pushed you even further

Lost sight of everything

I’m sorry that I hurt you

Convictions have now wavered

Nothing left, now pain is the only truth

I don’t 

Wanna be friends

I can’t 

Accept it’s the end

Will you

Start to forget me

Will I be

Nothing more than a memory

04.11.19 (darkness)

This neverending

Circus:

A cycle

Of destruction

And rebirth. 

Researching the limits of

How deep into the pits

I can survive.

I never asked for immortality,

I never asked for forever;

But I haven’t died yet

And this sure as fuck 

Feels like forever. 

I’m tired of

Puking and crying.

I’m tired 

Of all of it really. 

Sobriety is 

The light at the end of this

Dark fucking cavern

I’ve been drudging through, 

And I can’t tell whether I want

To sprint towards it

Or flee back to 

The darkness. 

I can’t let go