10/16/09 (ghostly prediction)

every night i dream of a ghost but like your love for me it comes and it goes i'm hopeless romantic my heart is quite frantic and it beats like a clock every tick and every tock and like a thinning cloud i disappear without a sound into the caverns of my mind i will forever hide and the gears in my heart turned slowly from the start i guess i should have known that my heart would never be whole that true love would not be found not before i'm underground and my soul will remain like a dirty blood stain no more of what i am but what i am not i'm the one you said you'd love, but just as easily forgot

10/13/09 (superficial blues)

the chemicals inside my brain are finally acting up again i knew it had been too long for me to continue feeling so damn happy but this hole really isn't that deep and i feel that there's still hope for me well maybe not, i mean who really knows because i know i don't, or at least suppose and you can trust me as far as a stones throw so i think it's best that i just go away but i'm slipping back into my old ways where i never really feel quite ok where the fluids swirling round my head tell me that i'd be much better off dead because i hate this place and everyone too and i'm pretty fucking sure that you all hate me too because this world is too concerned with what's cool no cares for another, they just want to look good you're no longer judged for what's inside your heart now we're all characterized by the cost of our cars are you beautiful? are you young? are you skinny? are you hung? are you tall? what size cup? are you dead? is there love? is there love?

10/10/09

i am defective i am a broken toy i'm a sad, sorry, sappy misplaced little boy twenty years i've grown twenty more i'll die i'll spend my time forgetting things i will lose my mind i'm a robot i'm a hate machine i've been taught to distrust and to dislike damn near every thing i'm a holy ghost i'm a miracle i'm the reason you smile when you awake and before you die i'm a hopeless fool a self-destructive lie it seems kind of funny now to know that i tried (to be the nice guy) i'm a fruitless tree i'm a harmless flea i'm the itch you can't scratch i'm everything you'll never be i'm every poem and fable i'm every story and tale i'm everything your parents told you you'd be i'm every time you fail i am forever but my time ends now because you heard all of this already but never quite how i am a child i am the dead i'm every terrible thought that's swirling around your troubled head i am me i am a dying breed i am the piece inside of you you'll forget eventually i am the dull silence i'm the endless noise i'm the thoughts and dreams, the hopes and schemes of every girl and boy i am an endless battle that will never be won because we can't kill ourselves we'll just be reborn i am love i will never end you can try to dismiss me but i'll never bend i am you i am me i am he, i am she i am everything

APRIL 07 (cannibal girl)

when i awoke my arms were tied my head hurt from the blow i thought i had died but then there she came right into the room and right then i knew that i'd be dead soon bloodlust in her eye it captivated me and as she opened a wound i started to bleed she sucked at my blood just to get a slight taste she stared into my eyes with a devilish gaze she slowly fed on my savory skin ripped through my flesh in a crazed human binge oh cannibal girl! i've fallen for thee but your hunger for flesh stops you from loving me though i love you so i know it can't be cause you feed on humans and now you're eating me although i am dead my heart does still beat but not for long cause soon you will eat with one final breath i managed some words: "enjoy your meal, my sweet cannibal girl" she'd severed my arms soon after my legs and what came next!? oh! she sawed off my head!

9/29/09 (long distance love)

this twelve point text across my screen is getting pretty bad for me my fluxuations in bravery have made it hard for me to breathe you brought me to this point, before i was angry promises of love not seen before, are haunting me the magnetism of my hearts confusing me the feeling i've been left with like my chest's sinking in i don't know where i'm supposed to go or who i'm supposed to talk to cause you change the way you feel so much i'm losing track and at this point all i want is to get my life back we playfully misspell words just to lighten the mood but it's darkening to the point where i can't see just which future it is that you have chosen for me it's really frightening that now you control me you mold and fold my insides to a small city (that never sleeps) you've got me on my toes, so scared i cannot eat "you're losing me" tonight i don't know where i'm supposed to go i have no one i can talk to you change the way you feel so much that i've lost track and now i know that i will never get my life back

9/25/09 ((the flood) phil elverum faker)

flooded and muddied clouded and buried washed up to the shore carried up from the floor this weight that's on my shoulders heavier than one thousand boulders it's bringing me back down sinking like an anchor it's getting colder and colder i'm growing more and more hollow i'm sinking back down it's killing me inside it's eating me alive the tide is pulling me under my body is frozen my mind is rotten and all that's left is my heart it's being slowly ripped apart by the flood

3/17-3/22/09 (stranger than stranger than fiction(love song to a stranger))

when i wake up in the morning
 and i see that it is pouring
i decide that is best
if i get a bit more rest

and so i rest my tired head
on my pillow in my bed
and when i look over at you
there's no way i could be blue

 because i'm melting when i've got you stuck inside my head
and i'm happy when i'm lying with you in my bed
you tangle and you twist up all of my insides
and i never ever want you to leave my side
i'd die

 and so i get up to start my day
when from your lips i hear you say
"my dear please don't be long,
i'm so very lonesome when you're gone"

and so i promise not to stay
when i go out along my way
but the second that i leave
you come right back to me

 because i'm melting when i've got you stuck inside my head
and i can't wait till i'm back next to you inside our bed
you've tangled and you've twisted all of my insides
and dear you make feel so very very quite alright

3/2/09 (poor and unhappy, arizona, spring 2009)

on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and these days go slow, just withering by the doldrums have come, and taken my life day after day, the quiet is long and night after night, the madness stretches on the weight of it all, it crushes me whole the tortures of life, and those good and ol' the thrill of it all, being on my own does not nearly make up for the growing hole the decline of my mind, the sinking of my soul is destroying my being, freezing my heart cold i'm on the run, from what i do not know but here i am, in this sorry hell for a home my roots are not deep, and soon i will leave so my heart doesn't rot, and finds some peace to the road i'll head, i'll feel all i can feel and so maybe some day, i'll finally be free i guess we'll see

9/21/08 (pt. I)

i left your world to join another but now i'm clouded, and torn asunder i feel i'm drifting on an endless sea and all i want is for you to like me but i don't think that you feel the same and it's worse cause i know i'm the one to blame so now my stomach's slowly sinking cause i never know just what you're thinking and i know i never really did but i want you to know i feel like shit and while you're miles away still having fun i'm laying here, just feeling stunned i buried myself in a grave full of loneliness, despair and hate because i blew it then, and i'm blowing it now oh! if there's a chance, please tell me how i know i'm stupid and kinda lame but i feel i've always been the same so please take it easy on my brain will you tell me you're tired of playing games because believe me girl, i'm tired too and all i want is to lie in bed with you or am i just another night inside your head just another body nestled in your bed i really hope that i am not cause if that's so, then i'll surely rot but i don't think you're that kind of girl but i don't really know, i think i'm gonna hurl... blech!

11/19/08 (pt. II)

sick, sick, i'm so sick i'm so sick of doing this this game we play is so one-sided you led me on, and up and died with it i won't call you, nor you for i cause you don't nearly care enough to try but who's to blame, i know it's all my fault i failed us once, and now we've come to a stall but now i've let you get inside of me and now it's all died out, rotten rotted tree so i'm stuck here, cursing my awful luck all the while you're out there, not giving a fuck but hey what do i care, it was all teen lust...

11/19/08 (blended brain blues)

pack my bags to run away but instead i sit and play the unbearable boring day-to-day coupled with this terrible apathy but i'm pulling my feet up from the ground gonna pack my bags and leave this town where i'll head, i really do not know i'll follow the wind, every gust and blow please take me far, far away from here dear mother nature hear my plea please don't you take it easy on me break my spirit and set me free crack my skull just like an egg pour out the contents from my head arrange a dinner oh so nice my heart, my lungs, my blood, and spice put it all in to a blender enjoy your meal, it's only november

3/7/09 (friends no more)

strangers us all disheveled, disheartened, disappointed tearing apart like paper some maddened by drink some by inner torment venturing elsewhere to feel alive hiding our face until there's need ulterior motives, everything, all every word, every notion every breath, every motion falsifying our friendships yearning to distance show me the road i'll show you my home

8/28/09 (slight unrest)

oh how great it is to be alive these feelings that i get inside i know that there's much more to life than working some stupid nine to five i can't submit to the many lies i can not let my dreams just die i won't become someone who's tried just to end another wasted life cause the world holds much more than just a dollar so get your worth, don't become a follower let out a scream, let out a holler and give your brain all it can devour so i sit around and speculate all the ones i love, and some i hate but lifes too short to discertain the numbers are simply far too great everything in life, even that mundane it's all beautiful, every forest and lake no one pays no mind to time or date everyone just tries to communicate cause the world holds much more than just a dollar so get your worth, don't become a follower let out a scream, let out a holler and give your brain all it can devour some live their lives distracting themselves they dig themselves their personal hell they lie and pretend that all is well and their souls are all they've left to sell and i can not help but sit and dwell on the friends of mine that have fell because i refuse to accept the day-to-day i can not live my life this way i will not worship your holy dollar i won't become just another follower i'll scream and shout, i'll even holler my brain will not go stale or sour i'll see what i can, ever town, every tower my brain will have all it can devour

5/24/09 (drunk, bored and lifeless blues)

feeling lonely in my room again i feel an ache inside my head as i try to calm down and go to bed but instead i crack another can and think about girls past i feel like i've been had it's the end of may and yet i'm still afraid of all the bills i've got to pay the rain won't go away each day more glum and gray my cloudy grave i fear the month of june will come far too soon friday at noon girls i never thought i'd miss are in my thoughts; so crisp please get me out of this and so i lay down in my bed these thoughts still swirling round my head and now i wish my brain was dead

3/6/09 (pyrat rum)

i feel my body sink in to the ground i feel i'll never hear another single sound that last drink i took of that pyrat rum is finally sinking in, and now i'm feeling glum i'm feelin' like i was truly born to lose i'm feelin' down and out, cause man i got the blues my mind is a dump, a rotten mess of lies and now i'm sittin' here tryin' not to cry i gotta shake this craze, it's tearin' me apart if i continue this i'll have a frozen heart and i don't want my chest to be a big black hole i just want something in my life to fill my soul and i'm tryin' hard to fill my life with some but i take another shot of that pyrat rum it's tearin' me up; i think i'm gonna hurl but now i can't get my mind, off that blonde haired girl so i guess i'll rot and wither away i'll lay here drunk with each passing day with my eyes bloodshot, i'm feeling small i feel i'm sinking and i'm about to fall i'll take one last shot of that pyrat rum and hope i get so drunk that i'm forever dumb

9/10/08 (burrito run)

going on a burrito run don't think anyone will really notice that i'm gone everyone has gone to here or there but me i'm still stuck in my own nowhere and no one's ever home, where i live they gotta pay off their cars, and other bills but that don't matter to you much cause you don't live here now you found a better life, i really don't know how you've let that life take over your mind and now it's slowly consuming your insides but you've got your drugs to waste your time i've got my skateboard, to waste mine so eat your dirt, radioactive scum cause the person i knew, is beyond long gone

9/21/08 (friends to acquaintances)

fuck this stupid game we're playing i'm tired of us always saying one of us will call the other but none will, even though we're brothers our friendship was much more than that but it seems we've all forgotten the past we were once just kids, tired and confused now we're all "adults" just being used by the system we had come to hate now we're all stuck behind it's gates fuck the world, cause we all know it's just one stupid fucking talent show one popularity contest after another we were supposed to look after each-other before we'd say fuck everyone else and now the people we hate are ourselves cause we're all rotting in this hell we've fallen apart; we need some help fuck your life, and fuck mine too cause this shit i'm feelings far beyond true we should stick together until the end cause after all, we are best friends the worlds collapsing and so are we we've cut down our own family tree so if there's nothing left then kill me now because fuck it man, i'm dead anyhow

9/23/09 (hot/cold blues)

waking up, not feeling right tossing, turning, eyes opened wide you've stolen my thoughts, i can not hide there's nothing that gets you off my mind the city lights, the streets at night you wore your coat and held me tight you breathed in my ear; "i love you baby" the way you know always drives me crazy but then you leave, quick as you came and here i am, my self to blame you broke me once, i'll not forget one more chance was all you would get but here we are, you need your space you were broken in the first place so now you've broke me a second time and you haunt every dark corner of my mind i can't escape, i know i've tried you made me feel so much more alive but love can not go on one-sided so i do my best to try and hide it you've made me fall quite hard for you you've made me feel things i never knew but with every love, there comes with a price and yours has been the ruining of my life