04.30.19 (trouble)

It’s funny for me to think of how we dealt with separation. I was still losing my mind, yours was lost. You got a fresh start, while mine went deeper. I admit I couldn’t help when I needed to, but at least I didn’t give up on you. I waited when you left, for signals in the sand. Maybe something to say you still believed in me. But no words came and you scorned when I worried, never thought you could give up on me. 

Now friends seems forced, feels more like a burden. I never asked for this, but it’s what’s been given. You moved on, didn’t mean what was written. The only future I saw was one where we were together in it. 

Disorder is normal but somehow this is different. I think of you often, I think often of division. Life will pick up, the divide will thicken. Life it goes on, but it’s no good if you’re not in it.

Maybe I’m kiddin, I don’t know what to say. Didn’t know where life’d lead, but I didn’t think it’d be this way. Trouble is a lonesome town, boy am I lonely. Guess I’ll go to sleep, wake up, try it again. 

04.30.19 (forgotten)

Couldn’t believe

You’d forgotten me

So easily

Start over free

You’re born anew

But I’m the same

I’m miserable

You've given names

I never stopped loving you

Distracted, misguided

I know much the blame is mine

But this game we play, has two

So pain I live

Emptiness, no refrain

Caught in a loop

Every day, only pain

Try my best to erase

Still think of all we been through

Forget, forgive, forgotten

But still I can’t erase you

You linger here, till I sleep

Memories still haunt me

A plague of innocence 

Not easily forgotten 

04.23.19 (trust)

I don’t ever want to trust

In that way again.

To say the words 

Forever

Should mean more.

Or perhaps nothing

At all. 

I had said

I didn’t believe in it.

That changed.

Now I can’t stop thinking about

Those words.

Love is cruel

In that we destroy

Parts of ourselves

To become one

With another.

This destruction feels

As if it were a

Cheap illusion. 

I don’t think I will

Trust

In that way again.

04.22.19 (limits)

I know the true depths

Of your heart

Now. 

Of the limits of your

Compassion,

Of the end of your

Empathy.

Seeing how quickly

Best friends

And

Forever

Become nothing more

Than words uttered

In a past life.

I know the depths,

And I do not like

What I have learned.

I have begun to resent you

And all that once was

And I do not like that.

What misery it is

To fall so ungracefully.

04.13.2019 (3:49am)

I don’t think I’ll need to ask you 

But I know I’ll have to:

‘Do you love him?’ 

But I already know the answer

Because I can feel it,

Right now.

I can physically feel it 

in my heart.

I feel the tearing,

The burning.

I have feigned many things.

Bravery.

Courage.

This,

This is a category of it’s own. 

I have wanted to cry

For the past few days

But the tears would not well. 

Tonight I had to fight them.

I did not win. 

04.16.2019 (no stranger)

Sticky brain
No stranger to pain

Down the drain

I think I’m going insane

Like tears in rain

Memory stain

Say it plain

Never again

04.18.2019 (hammer)

Cruelty

Disillusion me

Drink till you forget

No more anything

Wake up 

Hammers to your temples

Love is gone

Hammers to those temples

04.16.19 (memory)

Parting is such sorrow

I can feel rivers streaming

The wells overflow remembering

Feel it still when I’m dreaming

When I said forever

You didn’t believe me

Here we are now miles apart

You gone but I still feel it

I try to remember

The feelings you sent

All of this is a mess

I desperately want to forget 

All the things that I did

Can’t bear to live with any of it 

Neverending cycle of defeat

Ignorance is bliss

I don’t 

Wanna be friends

I can’t 

Accept it’s the end

Will you

Start to forget me

Will I be

Nothing more than a memory

Moved on from what was once

Do you still love me more?

You shouldn’t say such things

when you are not sure

Forever is a four letter word

Forever is watching you turn the corner

Can’t say that I’ll forgive

Myself for any of this hurt

Pure once when we started

Tenderness seemed a virtue

Clouded vision damages everything

Pushed you even further

Lost sight of everything

I’m sorry that I hurt you

Convictions have now wavered

Nothing left, now pain is the only truth

I don’t 

Wanna be friends

I can’t 

Accept it’s the end

Will you

Start to forget me

Will I be

Nothing more than a memory

04.11.19 (darkness)

This neverending

Circus:

A cycle

Of destruction

And rebirth. 

Researching the limits of

How deep into the pits

I can survive.

I never asked for immortality,

I never asked for forever;

But I haven’t died yet

And this sure as fuck 

Feels like forever. 

I’m tired of

Puking and crying.

I’m tired 

Of all of it really. 

Sobriety is 

The light at the end of this

Dark fucking cavern

I’ve been drudging through, 

And I can’t tell whether I want

To sprint towards it

Or flee back to 

The darkness. 

I can’t let go

04.09.2019 (tears)

Seduction is a fool’s game

I will not play any longer

I can hardly stand to speak at all

I have nothing to offer

I am a hollow man

I am an empty coffer 

I wish I could be present 

But my minds an empty hopper

This isn’t anything

Just an expression of a loss

The tears I cry stay long

Alas I am no doctor 

And this pain it is real

I’d say I’m self harming

Everything looks better in mirror

I think I’ve already lost it

Drink now to forget

There is no turning back 

04.05.2019 (serendipitous)

Hungover at work

Again.

I have no interest 

In not medicating,

Pain is unrelenting.

So the cycle continues.

Gagging on nothing
But the imaginary
lump in my throat.

For hours,

Tears well,
Ears ring.

All symptoms of the thing

You serendipitously called

A nightmare. 

04.04.2019 (no closure)

There’s a place I’ll go

When it’s all over

I’m not sure where it is

But I’m sure it’s desolate

Felt trapt for a while

Stuck in this loop

Fall asleep in the gutter

How low can I stoop

I have nothing to offer

I have nothing to gain

I am almost certain now

I am going insane

I’ll drink more to forget

Things that cannot be

Try hard to cloud my vision

Still you are all I see

Try to accept pain

This feeling doesn’t leave

Try to focus on others

Still get no reprieve

The place I will go

When it is all over

No one will find me

No one gets closure

07.13.17 (bullshit (censored version))

I remember

Burning all my friends

Spending years

Regretting all I've said 

Hear your name

Remembering that day

Feel like a leper

Thrown to the trash again

Terror

Is a memory 

Torture

Is remembering 

I'm sorry 

To everyone I've hurt

It's sad to be lost

Fuck I'm the worst

It's all a waste

All I've done 

It's all bad taste

Poorly constructed 

Dreams all contorted

Memory distorted

Bad news reported 

I'm a waste

06.13.2016 (bent)

Couldn't see that you were there

When I was lost inside my mind

Trust is something of fiction 

Or maybe I'm just full of shit

I wish I had seen it sooner

Because it haunts me often

To be caught of guard by ghosts

And haunted there on out

Too many faces to name

And all the moments that came

All the time down the drain

It always happens all the same

Spent some time up the coast 

Wandered around some doors

Mind fogged with an awful feeling

I couldn't feel anything 

Dazed all the time 

Brains always fried

Drink more whiskey 

Hope you forget me

What an awful feeling

to be sent adrift

So many eyes I've gazed

I feel so ashamed

Too many faces to name 

And all the moments that came

All that time down the drain

It always happens all the same

What a waste

To be bent 

In such awful ways

What a waste 

To be bent 

In this way

06.01.2016 (basil)

Do you remember

The first time we kissed

I got drunk cause I was nervous

I know that I shouldn't have 

When we kissed it was a little sloppy

But fuck it was perfect

I took you straight to the bar

Cause my nerves were in pieces

We drank whiskey together

Had idle conversation

I didn't know what to think

Until I saw you smile 

If it makes you happy

Then you should do it

I knew at that moment

That I could really love you

More months spent apart

Fuzzy phone conversation

Time can make things 

feel so much worse

But months sludge past and

We're still about it

We got tangled in sheets

We got lost in our dreams

And even when we scream

Love pours out when we breathe

Now that you're living beside me

Everyday feels so complete

If it makes you happy

Then you should do it

I knew at that moment

That I could really love you

Let's get lost in each other

Let's get lost in each other

06.03.2017 (you smiled)

My fingers smell like onions 

And I can't stop sniffing them

Fuck it can all be so beautiful

The simple things

I cooked you dinner you smiled

05.19.2017 (grow up)

This place is boring

And I am annoying 

No time to unwind

Some days I wish I'd die

Don't be unkind

Some days I don't mind

I don't understand

A lot of things

I'm no idiot

But I'm no genius

Can someone just be normal 

Or am I just being dumb

I miss the rain

Not much to gain

I feel kind of buzzed

Best not make a fuss

Can't feel much of anything

Guess that is a plus

Love is a demon

With many raging heads

Some days it's pure

Other days hungry for flesh

Some days it wants blood

Others it wants none the rest 

Not sure of my life

I can't keep track of myself

My mind keeps running through

The decisions that I've made

I keep waiting to grow up 

But I don't think it works that way

12.11.2016 (soon)

Do you think of me

As much as I think of you

Do I feel anything 

Or is it just ritual 

Kiss me because you have to

But do you want to

Turn your cheek when I try

Do you want me

Morning comes soon

12.08.2016 (haha)

I would tell you I don't care

But you don't care

I'd tell you I love you

But do you too

Felt disconnected for a while 

Disconnected forever 

Is there life left

Are we living now 

Whisper in your ear 

You're everything 

Whisper in your ear

It's always you

It was always you

Feel my heart skip time to time 

Feel cautious at every sign

Temporary feeling

Temporary life 

But does it feel good if it feels right 

Want to be in your life

Feeling gravitated to you 

All of the time

Whisper in your ear 

You're everything 

Whisper in your ear

It's always you

It was always you

11.20.2016 (next to you)

I am stupid and I'm sorry

It is what I am

I still get excited sometimes

At the little things 

I still smile when I wake up 

next to you

11.02.2016 (streams)

It's been hard to think. About anything really. You start to wonder about the depths of everything you're feeling and whether it's all real or just you overreacting. Is this what it feels like to pretend? I imagine it's a bright day, like many others, but maybe a little cooler than usual. Life feels like a can of worms that got opened on accident and is spilling everywhere. Sadness is a virtue, or maybe a way of being human. Ya gotta have your lows to have your highs right? The time really has flown by I guess and it's hard to remember very specifically the words to that drop nineteens song, but fuck does it echo in my brain often. I think futility is a means of understanding the breadth of living, or maybe that's just mine. Shame is my friend, or if it isnt, tell it to leave me alone, I'm tired of feeling it all the time. Castrated and decapitated, I think it'd feel much better that way. Loneliness is sleeping in an empty bed. Loneliness is at the end of the bar alone on a Sunday night. Loneliness is sitting on a crowded train and feeling like nothing. Loneliness is passé, we've heard it all before. Am I a nihilist? I could be making something; being creative in some way. Time is heavy though. I feel like I'm dancing in peanut butter. I'm not trying to be funny, but I think life does that to you sometimes so you remember it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Did I say that already? I get a little tired and want to take a long long nap sometimes, but I think too much about how tired everyone else is of that. The way it goes is often not the way you expected or the way you wanted it to be, but the way is often all there is. Sometimes it's good to cry to remind yourself that you really are human. It's easy to doubt the reality of everything when everything feels so upside-down. But hey, maybe it is all a dream and we wake up and we're moths emerging from cocoons. I'll see you and you'll see me and we'll fly into a window or a light or a ceiling fan. I guess it's all a bunch of hullabaloo and how funny is it that that's a real word. There's a whole world out there and that's hard to remember when everyone in yours disappears. I keep thinking about light switches being turned on and off, because that's what the days have felt like a lot. I thought about sticking my finger into an outlet to feel energetic. That joke was a lot funnier when I said it to myself. 

04.04.2019 (like fire)

By now you’re on an airplane,

Your head on his shoulder.

I wonder if he will rub your back,

Or if he will put his elbow to your shoulders

When you will almost certainly need it later.

I still find it maddening

That after years of imploring you

To travel abroad,

You did it within seven months

With someone new. 

I’d call him a stranger,

But I’m sure he’s only strange to me.

Where has this impulse lived

For the last six years?

I hate that you hid yourself,

I hate if I made you feel you had to.

I know I’m over the line

To say such things,

But you’ve trivialized our friendship

To such an extent,

That this feels like

A playground conversation. 

Perhaps I’ll not care as much

Some day far down the line

But for now,

This pain is too real,

And it clings to me

Like fire.

04.04.2019 (torture)

There is a dullness

That has engulfed

All that I once enjoyed:

Food no longer tastes

Reading provides no respite

The night sky no longer glimmers

And every waking hour 

Is a reminder

Of failure

Of your absence.

There is a torture

In being awake

The mind still works

A million miles an hour.

You’re leaving on your trip today

I don’t want you to have a good time

But I’m sure you will.

I imagine you’ll fall deeper

And perhaps someday he’ll propose

I can feel the sting of the tears

As they run down my cheeks

Years from now

Without you

The thought of being

Anything at all

Sounds like torture

The only salvation

I experience

Is the nothingness I find

At the bottom of many

Many drinks

And in doing so

Forgetting that I exist

At all